Bitter and Tired

Yeah! I'm Back!

2009-02-27T19:42:00.000-08:00

You know, its no fun being a loser. Yes, LOSER! I let my blog be hi-jacked, Google hated me, it was the lowest! But by the power of the reset, and a little Canadian Club, I'm back!

First of all, big news. The ex is dating again. Not that I care, really. I am a little upset because I thought it would be me who would move on first. Yes I know, I did move on, but REALLY move on, not just a one sided ordeal. However, it just makes it that much more clear to me that I was NOT the love of his life. Her name is very similar to mine. You know, Tracy, Stacy? Anyway, he met her at the grocery store. He had his first OFFICIAL date (don't know what that means..) the day after what would have been our 19th anniversary. I know this because he had my daughter tell me. Not him. My daughter. When I asked him why, he said because he was afraid I would be mad. MAD? I asked him to leave! She is welcome to him! I know what this is. He needs someone to take care of him. He has always been taken care of. I believe that he will develop this into a serious relationship. He needs someone. Fine. I just wish he would have met some one at another grocery store. Because she works there. So, I can't go there. Otherwise, she might think I'm looking for her. I mean come on! Did he have to make the sweet hook up at the store where I shop?

He didn't tell me she worked there, he just started taking my kids through her check out lane. His mistake was taking the 17 year old. He figured it out. It pissed me off, because what did he think I was going to do? Confront her? Heck no! I'm a lady, and again, I don't want him. If I had not found this out, I might have gone through her aisle at the store. She might have thought I did it on purpose! You know, sometimes guys can be really dumb.

The Vice Presidential Debate

2008-10-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

1) I'm glad a woman is in the running.
2) I'm sorry its not Hilary.
3) I thought Palin was going to get her ass kicked.
4) She did not.
5) I think Biden is going to be fodder for SNL more than she will, with his 3 person references.
6) I think the democrats are scared because everyone that I heard interviewed, said the vice presidental debate doesn't influence the election (it does, and it did).
7) She still scares the shit out of me.
8) I think John McCain doesn't want to be president, he choose her as a fall guy, and he is just happy to have a forum to say what he thinks.
9) I still think that Obama does not have the experience for the job, HOWEVER, he is totally a politician and plays the game very well.
10) Anybody who votes for the bailout, does NOT get my vote.

I'm Hurt

2008-06-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

He and his wife had their baby. He e-mailed, texted, called his friends. I am not one of them. He will say it is because that is what I said. And I did. I told him he was a co-worker. I said that he had not been that red hot of a friend, and that he kind of sucked as a co-worker.

That kind of talk will get you removed from the friends list in a hurry.

I'm not going to lie. That's exactly what I did. I removed him from my contacts. I deleted him from the list of friends. I deleted every e-mail. I destroyed everything. That is what one does. They try to remove everything that will remind them of him. I totally did that. I seem petty and like a sore loser. I am. But, you see, I have to work with this man, so I can't rage at him. I am still trying to keep the illusion that no one knows. That I was that good at covering my tracks. I was asked to find out what he and his bride wanted as a wedding gift, as we were such good friends. I was asked several times if I knew if she had the baby yet? I would be one of those to ask, because we are friends, right? I told him once in an e-mail that his personal life was of no concern to me, when he complained that he wasn't getting enough sleep. I didn't want to know. Though I knew. But you see, I set the rules. He is just following my example. Probably shared the e-mail with his wife, who told him "She sounds like a stalker! Don't tell her anything." It is none of my business.

I've been betrayed. I was not shown courtesy. He knew. But he didn't give me any consideration. Remember, he broke my heart. I didn't even touch his. If he were a friend, he would have told me, even if I didn't want to hear it. But he didn't. He met a woman, got her pregnant, married her, swore others to secrecy, and then acts annoyed that I even know. I am only following his example.

Of course I'm bitter. But I can't even let anyone know that. All I am is a joke. A pathetic old woman who just needs to get a grip.

Country Music Television

2008-06-14T05:44:00.000-07:00

I know. You're concerned. Why am I watching the above? While I admit, some of the show they have on are entertaining, there are a few that make me cringe. The same can be said of VH1 and MTV as well. But I don't want to talk about the shows. I want to talk about the commercials.

Yes.

I watch VH1 and CMT in the morning as I get ready for work. I want to listen to the music. I used to listen to the radio, but there isn't a lot of music there. It's always talk about "What is your most embarrassing moment? Bet it can't top Brittany's!" or "Gas price. Love them or hate them! Next caller!" (I confess, that is actually from a car commercial, but it's on the radio in the commercial). You get the idea. I want to listen to music while I drink my coffee, not a story. So the 2 above stations will play 2 videos in a row. Then a long string of commercials. But, because there are 2 stations, I can flip between the 2, and generally miss all the advertising.

I have been watch CMT this morning, and, I kid you not, I have seen the Lipozene commercial 10 times. I counted. Every commercial break, there is a Lipozene commercial. Every break.

I went to the website to say, "Quit calling us fat! It Saturday, ok! Save the self esteem commercial for the work week!". But they do not have a "contact us" button, drop down, whatever. They have blogs, but I don't think its appropriate to start a thread about this on the "Gone Country" blog. (But let's be honest, Sisqo was robbed!). But what is up with this? I flip over to VH1, and MTV (which kills me, I swear my I.Q. drops 10 points anytime I watch more than 10 seconds on that network), I even will watch MTV2, and none of these networks, which are all part of the MTV family, have this commercial on with the frequency that CMT does.

What are we supposed to think? I know its all about the money, but come on! Do they really think we're not going to notice how often its on?

I need a doughnut......

Cheating On My Bicycle

2008-05-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

I love riding my bike. It is a very solitary activity, and at the same time, its a great group activity. I have taken my 2 youngest on the bike trail right by my house. Its fairly flat, paved, long enough, and just right for a 12 and 10 year old. I have occasionally taken my oldest son on a bike trail that was created from an old railway line. He likes that one as it has side trails and he and his friends can disappear from me and I am not too concerned. This trail is quite a ways a way, and gas prices what they are, it seems silly to drive to a place to ride a bike. Better to stay closer to home.

Its very easy to talk myself out of riding, though. Its raining, it's cold, it's winding, it's late, it's too early...you get the idea. So I have a stationary bike. I can ride it, watch tv. Only problem is, is that I do 30 mile and I don't break a sweat. Yes, I'm moving, but its not making me fill like I've accomplished anything. So, I have a treadmill. Now this treadmill is not a compact little thing. Yes it can fold up, but it really is huge, bulky, heavy. There is only one place for it and that is facing a wall. A wall of grey paneling.

So I have to keep occupied. I listen to my ipod. That occupies me for maybe a song and a half. I need something else. So I read. YOU READ!! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT? Well, I'm not going to lie to you: I'm not doing a four minute mile on this treadmill. I maintain a pretty good clip, for me. I walk, no problem 3.5 mph. 4 mph, I have to hold on and can only do that for a shorter amount of time. But by reading and listening to the ipod, I don't realize how long I'm on the treadmill, or how fast or slow I'm going. My treadmill has a timer and goes up to 99 minutes. There have been several times that while walking and reading, the treadmill just stops, because I've reached the time limit. I don't even realize that I'm doing it. It great, the feeling of stepping off, folding the treadmill back up. I feel like some workout stud! Hey, the treadmill quit, not me. I also have noticed the inches ever so slightly melting away. I can definitely see it in my face, and feel it around my waist.

But there's my bike. Sitting in the garage. Not moving. Getting dusty. Dirty. Angry. You know Hell hath no fury like a Schwinn scorned. I fully expect to go out there and find a few spokes missing. Maybe a flat tire. It's already starting. My reflector on the handle bars, just fell off. Just sitting in the garage. Not moving. It just dropped off the front and laid face down in a puddle of old oil. The chain is looking a little rusty too. The chain guard was bent the last time (oh, and how long ago was that? Do you think you can ignore me, and just expect that I will be here, at your beck and call!?) I took it out. The other bikes have moved away from it in the garage. My sons bikes have the wheel turned away from mine, as if to say "Don't look at it, if you don't make eye contact it won't see you." It's shameful, really. It's a perfectly good bike, it gives me as great a work out as the treadmill, yet I seem to be only care about the digital read out, and the heart monitor, and its younger and hipper.....

Wait. Maybe I'm just projecting. Then again, maybe not.

I will ride this weekend, I promise. That is if it doesn't rain, or it's warm enough, and not too windy....

Ok

2008-05-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes I just hate it when I'm right.

I knew things would work out the way they did. Yes, I'm angry. And hurt. But mostly angry. At myself. I knew all along that the man that I love, yes, love, would break my heart. He got married almost a month ago. Didn't tell anyone, just left his hand out with a ring on it, hoping (silly man!) that an office full of women wouldn't notice. (Though I suspect, he did want us to). Then, when we do, he acts bothered that such a private thing, would need to be discussed, oh and by the way, they are expecting a son in June.

Nice.

I try to be gracious. You see, I'm not an ex. I'm a never was. I told him that I liked him, right here on this very blog (don't bother looking, already deleted), I said I would quit, he said don't, do you want to go with me on the bike trail? I was confused. Not sure what he was getting at, but after a couple of Thursday nights, I was encouraged to go on my own and take my kids. He was charming, still, but I knew. I tried to let it go. I did very well mostly, except for a few late night phone calls. ALRIGHT! Drunk Dialing! He was busy couldn't talk. I took the hint.

Then I was asked to buy some cards for several people in the office. I am a great card buyer. I volunteered for the job. There is nothing I like better then spending time at the Hallmark shop, laughing, wondering where they come up with this stuff! Stopping strangers from their own card shopping to "read this card!", which they agree is very funny, and then slowly and nervously start backing away. I don't care. I love to laugh. So I am asked to buy 2 graduation cards, a birthday card, and a wedding card.

All of these make sense. I know who all of these belong to. I start to walk away, and the manager stops me and says "Make it 2 wedding cards." I know. Right then. I ask, who for, but I know. She says she can't tell me as she was sworn to secrecy. I say not good enough, if she were really committed to that she wouldn't have asked for the other card. She refuses to say, I let it go. I already know.

I bought his card, the card that will tell him everyone in the office wishes him and his bride a "happy ever after." I try to comfort myself with the fact that he was careless, a coward, and that our office as a whole must mean nothing to him, as when he did announce it, it was at the tail end of an e-mail about computer issues saying that he didn't think that anyone would notice a little piece of metal, he feels rushed sometimes when he has to come in during the day, and he got married and is pregnant. It was as if he was hoping that no one would read the e-mail as generally, nobody does.

But I see the ribbon hanging from his mirror, and I know. No matter how he tries to down play it, he is happy.

And I am just acting as if......

Let's See if I can post!

2008-02-01T22:24:00.000-08:00

Do I attract you, do I repulse you, with my qui.....

My favorite song is "Don't Get Me Wrong" by the Pretenders. Why the heck would I want to know the words to "Grace Kelly"?

I will post the words to this account, I swear it!

Till the next post!

New Year Resolutions

2008-01-02T21:06:00.000-08:00

I resolve to remember my password to my blogger account.

Oh, yeah, lose weight, eat better, excercise, all that stuff. The good news is, is that nobody expects you to keep these. SCORE!

Westroads Mall

2007-12-09T16:16:00.000-08:00

Yes, I live in Omaha. I read the other day that we are what some would call a big small town, roughly 428,000. Sure, people have heard of us, but really don't have an opinion about us one way or the other. We don't have a bad reputation, or a good reputation. We just don't have a reputation at all.

Until December 5th, 2007.

I was at work, sitting in the break room when one of the Drs I work for came in and said," So, a shooting at the Westroads Mall." I looked up at him in surprise.
"What are you talking about?"
"Some guy walked into Van Maur and started shooting. Two people are dead."
"That's terrible! Oh, my God! Those poor people!"

He stood there a moment longer, both of us contemplating what had happened, and then he said," I told my wife, its a good thing it wasn't Target, otherwise, I'd have been worried for her." I said "oh yeah, had it been there, I would have been right along side of her."

I changed the subject, we went back to our work, and every now and then, someone would update us. It was now 4 killed, 3 injured. Now it's 6 dead.

My cell phone rang. It was my mom. "Are you ok?", she said. She was crying.
"I'm fine Mom, it's ok."
"You heard about the Westroads?"
"Yes, those poor people."
"Nine people dead now. They don't know where the shooter is."
"Really? Nine now? Wow."
"I love you honey. I was just worried that you might have been out shopping over lunch..."
"No, I wasn't. I was here, I love you too, Mom. Try to calm down, everyone of us are ok."

We hang up, a little while later, my daughter calls.
"Mom?" She's crying.
"Punk, its ok. I'm fine."
"I can't believe it! I was trying not to cry at work, but I'm just now at my car. I'm just shaking so much."
"Honey, its alright. We are all ok."
"Nine people died, more injured."
"I know baby girl, its terrible."
"I'm gonna call Dan (her boyfriend). I feel like such a baby, crying like this."
Don't feel bad about it Punk, it just shows you have a heart. I love you, I'll talk to you more when I get home."

I couldn't believe how calm I was. What was wrong with me? This is terrible. People just doing there jobs! The worst thing in the world they have to worry about is a shoplifter, or maybe a cranky customer. And the customers. Just running to the store, real quick, pick something up for Christmas. Like that. They're dead! Why wasn't I crying? Why wasn't I shaking? I was just there! The night before last. On the 3rd floor of Van Maur. Shopping. The woman who rang up my purchases. I wonder if she was one of the victims.

Over the course of the next few days, every time I turned on a television, signed into my e-mail, I learned more. How the people were just stunned in the store. Imagine. We don't hear gun fire daily. Some thought it was construction, other balloons. I imagine that even when they saw people being shot and falling right in front of their eyes, they still couldn't believe it. "Oh my God! He just shot that man!" Those quick seconds that seem to go on for a eternity, before the adrenalin kicked in. How they scattered, mom's pushing stroller, dragging an older child behind them to safety, customers hiding in dressing rooms, trying to pull there feet up, hoping that they wouldn't be seen, others hiding in the circular clothing racks, praying "please, God. Don't let him come this way."

Six minutes. That's how long it took. In that time, that boy was able to change all of those lives.

Everyone tried to act as if. I went to a wrestling tournament. Grocery store. Target.

The Westroads Mall opened up yesterday. The Red Cross and the Salvation Army were there to help people and provider comfort if necessary. Van Maur did not reopen. They are taking time for there employees to recover from the shock. The store is paying for all the funerals of those involved. It might not be until next week that they re-open.

Today, I went to the Westroads Mall. I parked in the parking lot right outside the entrance of Van Maur. I walked up to the steps that were now a make shift memorial. I looked at all of the flowers, the Christmas tree, the teddy bears, the notes and cards, the paper snowflakes taped to the doors, the ornaments hanging from the stair rails. I looked at all of it.

And I cried.

I know. It been a While

2007-10-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I have neglected you. Worse still, I have neglected the blogs I read. I have a VERY old computer, and it seizes every time I sign on to it. So I try to use the newer computer, and to do that, I have to fight for a spot with my kids. SERIOUSLY. My son, who is 9, accidentally downloaded porn onto my computer. I thought it was the 15 year old, but it really was the 9 year old. Apologies to the oldest. I just assumed.....
I've been doing a lot of that, not really standing up for that which bothers me, just figuring that other are. I have apparently been dropped by another blog regarding a reading club. I am such a slacker that I am a bother to this other blog. I can take it. I don't really have a lot to say, otherwise it wouldn't be 6 months since you last heard anything from me.

But I do want to talk about something. My kids are in "Sucks to be you, wish you could be me!" school district. We are like, the hottest ticket in town. We can't be annexed, added, incorporated, so we are actually part of OVER ACHIEVER SCHOOL DISTRICT.

Don't get me wrong. I am glad me kids go to school where they do. They are better educated than I am. And I graduated 11th in my class. They know more by the forth grade than I did by the time I was a sophomore.

But this is what happened. A kid that no one really likes at OVER ACHIEVER HIGH got into it with super rich Regency kid, over a girlfriend. Slacker won the girl. OVER ACHIEVER, in his rage and disappointment, punched Slacker Kid. Punched him hard enough that Slacker kid lost consciousness.

This is where it gets interesting.

Slacker kid was knocked out, with a broken nose, and bleeding. All the kids, and there weren't that many that were standing around, just looked at him. None of these kids liked him. Slacker was a pain in the ass. So, because no one like him, no one did anything to help him. No one called for help, no one went to his side, nothing. That boy laid there on the front steps, bleeding, and NO ONE came to help.

A passing teacher saw him lying on the ground, yelled at the other students, "WTF.....??????, an ambulance was called, the slacker was whisked away. By the time I got there to pick up my son, there was no sign at all that anything had happened.

My son told me however, and I was appalled. "How come an assembly was not called the very next day?" "How come each and every student, regardless of whether or not they were there, was not bitched out for not helping this kid?"

What are we teaching our children? I don't care who he is, he warranted at the very least, and call, visit, whatever to the principal and if he wasn't available, at least a call to the police.

What are we raising our children to be?

Doing Laundry

2007-03-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

As I don't have a job and a half anymore, I have to be fiscally responsible. That means no unnecessary running around, buying stuff, essentials only. Where I once used to drop off my car payment, I now mail. 39 cents, $2.51 a gallon of gas. Easy decision. Mail stuff whenever possible, only buy what I need at the grocery store. Stay home. Good plan.

So this morning, I was going to stay home and spring clean. I emptied out the closet. I took the plastic off the windows (Yeah! So!), threw the bedding for the youngest boys room into the washing machine. Day was looking great. My oldest son had a wrestling tournament, in Lincoln, and his dad came to get him and take him there at 6:30 this morning. It was now about 9:30, raining, so I was going to give my daughter a ride to work. Only a few blocks away, but there was lightning too. So I called their dad to see how my oldest son was doing at the tournament.

I woke the ex up.

Now, if one has ever been to a sporting event, one knows that there is a lot of cheering, yelling, and general rah rah crap going on, so I was wondering how he was able to sleep?

Oh, he didn't go to the tournament, he just dropped him off at the school.

Had I known that Dad wasn't going to go, I would have. My son just won the outstanding freshman wrestler of the year award, so as a very proud parent, I should go. I didn't know. Well nothing to be done about it know, so I just said sorry didn't know, I'll talk to you later.
The ex said that he had to pay his truck payment, and a loan payment, and he would be over after to see the boys. I said, oh really? Well my van payment was due too, so would he mind stopping over and taking it with him to the bank? (In truth, his payment was overdue, but what ever..). He said sure. He would wake up fully in an hour and be over.

I haul the kids out to the van, take my daughter to work, and in a week moment, agree to go to Caribou Coffee, for a couple of smoothies. Very extravagant. I owe a $300 electric bill, I shouldn't be buying coffee, I mean, smoothies. But I do. That, my friends, is called optimism. The belief that this $12 purchase will not come back to haunt me. I shouldn't really be saying stuff like that, because remember what I said 2 post back!

Anyway, we continue with my plan for the day, the ex shows up, says he has to go to the hardware store for spackel, I said, well could you spare me a couple power strips? He says sure, and that I really need a torchere lamp for the living room. (I don't, he wants one there. We had one before, he got drunk, pissed and broke it). I said if he wanted to buy it he could, the next thing you know, he's taking the kids, so he will need to use my van. And my gas. Didn't I have a plan?

I get talked into going, we buy the lamp, he pays for some laundry detergent, did we want to have some lunch? Go to the bank, and then another bank, and for all appearances, we look like a normal family. If anyone were to see us, they'd think that's what we are. But we are not. Evidence of this appears when we return home and one of the neighbor kids comes over and wants to play with my youngest. Well, the ex wants to take a nap so he doesn't want them inside, I said, you know, its not for you to decide whether they can or not, he starts pissing and moaning under his breath, I say, don't need that crap here, so maybe he should go home and nap? He pouts, grabs his stuff, hugs the kids and leaves. And I'm the bitch.

So now here I am doing laundry. And pretty damn glad to be doing it.

CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

2007-03-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well! Is it Karma? Was I arrogant? Who knows. Guess what? I got let go from the job I took after leaving the job I had for 13 years. On day 88. That is before day 90. Before day 90, they don't have to give you a reason. They can just let you go. Officially, I was told, "I don't think you are a good fit." That's it. That's all I got.
I had joked just 4 days before that the reason I didn't have personal item on my desk was because my 90 days weren't up, and this way, I could just leave in an instant. I gave her the excuse. I let her know that she could fire me without cause. The business was not making money, and they were paying me more than the would have paid someone else for the position because I was a coder. She saw an opportunity to save some money. I'm sure of it.
To be totally honest though, I believe that I was FIRED because I rolled my eyes in a meeting. I did not show the proper respect to the money makers, the clinical staff. One of the physical therapist said he couldn't remember to fill out a piece of paperwork, unless we added the paperwork to his work packet.
Now this same individual, could remember to fill out a piece of paper that was not added to an admit packet, but he could not remember to fill out a piece of paper on discharge. A trained professional. He could not remember unless I added the paper for him. So in a meeting with the supervisor, the director of nursing, and the executive director, I rolled my eyes. The next morning, I was let go.

I knew I didn't like that therapist.

Little more back ground: The supervisor is a good friend of mine. She is why I went there. About the time I started there, she was really feeling her way about the office, and with me there, kind of felt empowered. I agreed that the staff wasn't doing what they should. So she went to the E.D. and said,"Momcani and I think that such and such isn't doing her job..". She's my friend. I agree. But her problems with the director of nursing, started when I started. I had her back even though, I didn't agree with her saying what she said. So, in effect, I caused the disruption in the office.

I now don't have a job. I still have my part-time job and they are letting me work more, but, I'm screwed. What am I going to do? I am humiliated. I was a good worker. I am a good worker. How could they let me go? Because of money. I'm really not worried, to tell the truth. I will be hired, but I'm kind of liking not working so much. So I'm really brave now. Until the money runs out.

Hey Kids!

2007-02-25T19:04:00.000-08:00

Well! This has been a stressful couple of months! New jobs, changes all around! I haven't been able to read the blogs I enjoy, let alone post anything. Ah, well.
The new job is going well. I'm sure that the boss is rethinking how wonderful she thought I was. Its a new job, but I am still holding myself to the an incredible standard thinking I should know everything right away. Anyway, I am sure I will be fired for my inability to handle the job. Its a personality flaw. I am always convinced that I don't have the stuff, and any moment I will be fired. I am surprised everyday that I still have a job. I know that I am doing fine, but I hate mistakes, especially stupid ones. No they won't fire me, but I can't help the over developed sense of responsibility that I have.

As for the part time job, well that is a whole new set of adventures. My boss is asking me if I want my old position back, of receptionist, less hours, less stress. The reason is because the new girl that they hired, is quiting after a month and a half. Too much stress for her with school and work. Not that I didn't see it coming. I did. From the first day she was trying to see how she could shorten the day. I knew it would happen. But you know what bothered me the most? She invited other people at work out, but not me. I was just the trainer at work. What's up with that? I didn't think we were tight, but rude!! Did she think I wouldn't find out? Ok, I'm petty. But really!

Personally, it sucks. The soon to be ex is drinking more, and he is moving his parents to an assisted living facility. I am not with out compassion. His mother makes no sense anymore, the dementia is so bad, and his dad is looking frailer by the day. Everyone tells me though, its not my problem. This would have happened either way. Were we together or not. But it is happening. I worry for him. Things have always been taken care of by someone else. His parents, me. He is going to have to grow up. I just hate to position I'm in now. My son is watching me and has made up his mind that I am being cruel hearted. How do you explain to a 15 year old that you can't always make things right?

Every night, my heart crumbles to dust and blows away in the wind, and every morning it grows back, only to be crushed to dust again every night. I am a sad figure and am losing who I am. But there are those who are worse off than me. I have no right to complain. I just continue to act as if....

Moving On

2006-12-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

Well. I don't understand "me" myself. I have worked hard for this health system and I am to the point that I have reached a level where they trusted me to do this job from home. I should be happy and consider myself very lucky.

I am not and didn't.

I know! What's wrong with me? This is the best thing in the world isn't it? Well, I have explained why on previous post, so I won't rehash again. Just suffice it to say that I feel trapped in my room. I get up, go to my desk, work. Leave and go the the part time job, come back, work some more, then go to sleep. I never leave this room! I'm always here!

I could go back to the office and work, sure. But the reason that working from home was so attractive was because of the office. Posted about that too. (Sorry I'm making you look back. I don't know how to link it! I know, BLOGGER LOSER!).

This year has shown a lot of changes for me. The divorce, my daughter graduating and going to college and working now, my Mom moving out..... After 19 years, I have to be a Mom like everyone else. I have to balance.

So, I am quitting my current job, and taking a new one. The job I currently have, while moderately up there on the food chain, is not very challenging. I have no where to go in this organization, from this position. I'm stalled. I know a lot of people my age would be comfortable with this. This is safe. Easy. Reliable. I work from home, for gosh sakes! But I am too young to be this old. An unhappy mom is not a pleasant one. I am burning only 1 of the 5 brain cells I have to do this work, and I am capable of so much more.

So, I took a leap, and have changed jobs. This new position, while initially not that glamorous, does have room to grow. And I need that now. With this change in my full time job, a change in my part time job has come about too. I will be doing more acct receivable work, and will no longer just be the receptionist. (Though a damn fine one I am!!!).

With all of these changes, will come some sacrifice. I know I probably won't be posting any time soon, again, also, still, and I might not get to all my friends blogs all the time. Stupid computers, stupid internet. I just didn't want to drop off the face of the earth without another warning at least.

I have a lot of work to catch up in the next week an a half, so let me just say that I have enjoyed sharing time with all of you. Thank you for letting me peek into your lives. As the holidays are coming up, well I know that I could say "Happy Holidays", but what I truly want to say is "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year." To my Jewish friends, "Happy Hanukkah", and those that believe "Happy Kwanzaa" (is it happy, or merry? Gee, I'm worthless!). What I'm trying to say, is that what ever you believe, I wish you joy, peace, and love.

I'll try to get back when I can.

Timmi aka Momcani

Ok, I Lied.

2006-11-21T21:02:00.000-08:00

Here's the deal.

I only know of one pal (hi, Vince), who is reading my stuff. I have been incredibly busy. No fake. I am 3 weeks behind on my real job. This is bad. What really blows is that this is "NaBloPoMo", so if I'm not blogging, I should be commenting, its just that I am so busy, that I don't have time to blog, let alone comment on a lot of blogs. I have been Neglecting some of my favorite blogs. I am afraid that I will lose my job if I can't keep up, so I have to focus primarily on work, not on "recreation". I so enjoy my blogging friends, and some day, I swear to you, I will rebuild my links. In the mean time, I'll do a little catch up:

Still separated. The money to file is better spent on other things at the moment. Besides, I'm still covered under his insurance. That got to be worth something!

My oldest son is having his wrestling picture taken tomorrow...with the VARSITY team. Even though try outs aren't until Monday, the coaches said that he will be included with that teams picture. I'm so incredibly proud, even though I cringe every time I watch him wrestle. He loves it and is dedicated. This is the first time that he has really shown a desire to suceed. He and I have had our differences, but I am so happy for him.

My second to the oldest son has stopped stuttering. It was really bad. He was a caricature of what a stutterer was. I felt so badly for him. He has done it since he was a child, and it had been barely noticeable since he started school. But it got really bad about a month and a half ago. What do you do? You can't make it go away, you can only try to remove the situations that cause it. He wanted to quit band. I said ok. The stuttering stopped. I am, of course, disappointed that another one of my kids won't participate in instrumental music, but if it relieves his stress, its worth it.

My youngest son has been diagnosed (labeled?) as "Learning Disabled". Ahh! But he's also gifted. He is the sweetest little boy. All he wants are friends to have fun with, and he is making progress with that. I can't fight all his battles. I can't make others like him, but I know, just as Dumbo's mom did, that all those who judge my son on appearance, will never know what a wonderful, loving, little boy he is. They should be jealous of me.

My wonderful daughter, has 2 "A's" and 1 "B" this quarter. Was there every any doubt?

My Mom is somehow, going to survive this holiday even though she is not cooking. I feel cheated that I won't spend the holiday with her, but sometimes you know, with parents, you have to cut the cord and let them do what they will. She just needs to know that I am here if the big, bad world disappoints her.

I am shattered into a million little pieces (though I'm not exaggerating about it), but as always, I will continue to act "as if...". My heart is being held together with Gorilla Glue, some twine, bubble gum, a couple staples, and a bungie cord. Love sucks, but what are you going to do?

I Have Nothing to Say

2006-10-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

I've said it all. Short of drawing a picture there is nothing more that I can do to make this clear.

I will be around to comment. I don't know when I'll post again.

Understandably, I'm Pissed.

2006-10-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

So, as the soon to be ex no longer has to consult with me, he decides that him and the kids are going camping. In northwest Nebraska, along the South Dakota border. Because he wants to. And can. He really has no expenses, so why not?

He tell the kids. He tells them the destination. Three of the them, immediately bail. The oldest, well she has work and school. The two youngestdon't want to go as they will be camping at a park that has mountain lions. My boys are smart. Hungry mountain lion, little boy. The odds are not in their favor. So that leaves the oldest boy. He will go.

For a couple of months, every nifty camping gadget that can be bought, has been bought. I know. Because it has all been stored in my garage. All in 40 gallon totes. And that not including the firewood, or food. They are leaving at 4:00 tomorrow morning so that they can get to the park to get the park permit, before the park personal go home for the day. They will be sleeping in tents, but in case of bad weather, and it looks like there is going to be some, they will stay in the cabins at Fort Robinson. Its a very nice place, we stayed there couple years ago. No TV, just the family and a deck of UNO cards. It really was a great family vacation. Its late in the season, so not all the perks are available, but still beautiful country. Just off the sandhills, the biggest dessert outside of Africa (I know! Who would have thought in Nebraska!), and at the start of the badlands, it has something for everyone, even cows and corn.

So today, after my son gets out of school for parent teacher conference, he asks for the keys to the van. What for? He wants to get it ready for the trip.

That empty space above? That is my stunned silence.

Apparently, the soon to be ex, has been planning all along to take my van. The van that I use to drive around all these kids. That would be three, that will be staying here with me. While he takes one. He was going the leave the S10 pickup for my use. With three kids.

Of course it had to be a joke.

So I call his cell and leave this message:

"Oh my God! You will never believe the joke that your son just told me! That you were planning on taking the van on vacation! I know! I mean, not even you could be that inconsiderate, what with me having 3 kids here, and you taking one! I just had to share that with you, because there is no way that van is leaving this drive way!"

Too harsh?

My two youngest are staying a couple days with there grandma, who lives about 2 hours away. (In Nebraska, we tell distance in time!). So he calls my daughter, while I'm at work, and says its just a misunderstanding, he thought the boys were going to be gone all week, so no problem, he will take the truck.

What a guy.

He was on his way over at that time, and that was oh, 3 hours ago, but he must have got lost, so he ended up at the bar, found his bearings, then came over.

He doesn't want to start anything, he just wants me to understand, that I am not to leave any angry e-mails on his cell anymore. He will take the truck.

I correct voice mail, and ask him when was I gonna find out? When I looked out the window in the morning?

His feelings are hurt now, he might not want to go now.

I say it would be a shame to have spent all that money on all those toys and not go......for the three whole days he planned!

Oops. I've angered him. He drives off in his truck in a huff. With my son. And no equipment.

Yeah. He's so showing me.

Thanks for listening.

Observations

2006-10-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in a bit of a mood today. I can't really classify it, but I think its best to say its pessimistic. I can't quite decided what to post about so, I thought I share a few observations from my morning so far.

A watched puppy will never pee.

I get my son up in the morning and then I take out the dog. The days are getting shorter, so still pretty dark out. She's a toy fox terrier, so she is pretty much white everywhere except her face, but she's still hard to see from the front door with the glare from the lamp. So I turn on the porch light. WHY DON'T I JUST ANNOUNCE TO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT MY DOG IS ABOUT TO PUDDLE?! I swear the dog literally crossed her legs, rather then do her business under the harsh glare of the porch light! So I turned the light off. And walked away. My daughter let her in a few minutes later, and that dog came in and glared at me. Normally she keeps me company here at my desk, with her own princess pillow, but not today! She toughing it on the couch! She doesn't even want to know my name. She's acting all "cat".

No matter how many times you tell them, and for your efforts, get a "MOM! I KNOW! YOU TELL ME ALL THE TIME "(major eye roll!), a teenage boy will still not put the lid on the trashcan.

We live four blocks from a park. A park where wildlife likes to roam free. Where raccoons, when they get hungry, will leave the park and come to your back yard. And just for grins, will knock over your trashcan and scatter trash all over. And this will not be discovered until the teenage boy has already left for school.

Telling your kids that you are out of regular sugar, so they can use brown sugar on their cereal, is the equivalent of telling your kids to pour dirt on there Rice Krispies.

Brown sugar is apparently only good for oatmeal. And cookie recipes.

No matter how strong your resolve, you will cave and turn the heat on as soon as there is even a suggestion of frost.

My kids walk around in shorts and t-shirt and wonder why they are cold. I am sitting here in a sweater and a hoodie, and if hypothermia weren't setting in, I would be cranking up the heat. Its just a long walk to the other side of the house. Plus I have to pass the dog.

I am the Towel Fairy

Apparently I didn't know. Towels are dropped all over the house, with the faith and trust that the Towel Fairy will be along to pick it up, hang it up, or put it in the washer. Kids seem to be born with this knowledge, and I have been blissfully unaware that its me who has this job. Its kind of like being the Hulk. You see a towel on the floor, you hollar out "WHAT! ARE YOU WAITING FOR THE TOWEL FAIRY TO PICK THIS UP?" Then your eyes, hairs skin turn green, your clothes tear, but not on the seams, and your pants become capris and there's white hot fury, and you come to in front of the towel rack in the bathroom, dazed, wondering how you got there. Yeah. That's who I am.

None of my horoscopes for the day say that today is going to be good. I hope they were only referring to my morning.

Every Idea Sounds Good When Alcohol is Involved

2006-10-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know that not a lot of people are reading this post, but I REALLY Need your help. I have been invited to a Halloween party, and the theme is "Movies and Television". Yes, they gave me plenty of notice, but as of late, I have been otherwise engaged. I do not like to spend money on costumes as the cool one cost $20 or more, and the kids only wear them for a couple of hours? Where's the value in that? As I am fiscally responsible, I need to come up with something that is related to tv and movies, that does not cost a lot of money.

I have been toying with the idea of a theater floor. You know, dressed in black, spilled popcorn, pop, empty candy wrappers, sticky. (double sided tape!). But the closer it comes to the event, the more doubtful I am. HELP ME! If you've never commented, this is the time. I am 42 with 4 kids, so I can't pull off Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, or Belle in Beauty and the Beast. I have come up with some great costume ideas for my kids, (all home made: Frankenstein, Viking, Mr Spock, a bug, The coolest Vampire ever! A medieval Princess) but I can't seem to come up with anything for me. If you have a blog, and don't mind that I piggy back, mention this. My costume must be like me: cheap, easy, and quick. ( Well! I'm not proud of that! Just don't want to lie to you!).

If this is what comment whoring is about, then go ahead, label me. Any and all suggestions, will be appreciated.

The Power of CSI

2006-10-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

Ok. I don't watch a lot of t.v. The reason is that I'm always working, so its hard to find the time. I religiously watch "er" and "Law and Order". These two shows have been on forever, so I have a lot invested. I know "er" hasn't been the same since Benton, Green and Carter left, and no one can replace Lenny Brisco, but I'm committed!

So I really don't watch any other shows. On occasion though, I do have the tv on while I work. Its to drown out the sound of arguing teenagers, and an agitated 8 year old and a dog. (The 11 year old is ALWAYS quietly playing Playstation, without blinking).

So the t.v. is on. And I listen, a little. As I don't want to watch any new show, (I can't get involved!) I figured CSI is safe to listen to. Everything is solved within an hour, and as I'm working, I don't see all the gross stuff (but to be honest, when I peek, the images are kind of cheesy).

What amazes me is how easily all of the people on CSI, witnesses and suspects, just give it up to the CSI team. I mean, come on! If you're the killer, are you just gonna give up your DNA without your lawyer fighting tooth and nail to stop it? And if the CSI team gives a theory of the crime to you, are you just gonna spill your guts and say, "Ok, guys! You got me, I did it! He was stealing from me! She was cheating on me! It was gonna kill his mother, with his evil ways!"

Are these people that good? I feel like my intelligence is being insulted. And the CSI people are so smug! In Miami they always walk in slow motion, looking perfect, in New York, they are very confident, but in a prissy manner, that they will solve the crime, and in Vegas? Well I don't know, I don't see that one as often. My point is, well I really don't have one, I just feel like they dumbied up the show for characters, so that we would pay more attention to the science so if we ever decided to commit a murder, bank robbery, what ever, we know what bases to cover.

No, not a great post, but every time I see one of these shows, I just wonder about the power that these characters seem to have. I know its entertainment. But my kids don't even cave as quickly as these people do.

My Desk calendar

2006-10-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

I swear, I don't know what I would do with out this calendar. I have one of those big, cover the whole desk calanders, like I'm really busy and important. Executive style. I have stuff scribbled all over it, passwords (to what? I don't know! My calendar can't be secure if I write what the passwords to on it, geez!), checking account amounts, upin numbers, hours worked, "ping(space)10.10.0.1" (I'm sure it was important at the time, too bad I don't have an IT friend), phone numbers of friends, phone numbers that I don't know who they belong to, dates of birth in the notes section at the bottom, and my personal favorites, sayings.

No, these aren't famous, and while a couple came from my kids, they are not all from them.

Money Sucking Booger- my daughter for having to ask again for money. " I hate to be a money sucking booger....". If you knew how refined she was, you would understand.

Decrodded- from a co-worker. Sounds funny.

You suck tar!- My daughter again. She said that to her brother, and I wouldn't doubt it.

Lazy pile- used to be lazy butt (hah! I said butt!). But as I was a lazy butt, I would shorten it to L.B. and no one could understand why I was calling myself a pound.

And you waited for it, so here it is, the best thing written on my calendar:

Target, Suburban Moms' crack- Generous hat tip to Sheryl at the Paper Napkin. http://papernapkin.typepad.com/papernapkin/ "My name is Momcani, and I am addicted to Target end caps. "

Is it bad that this calendar is still on August?

Sometimes, Stuff Sucks

2006-09-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

You know, you put yourself out there, you say what you feel, lay it on the line, because you think that the truth will set you free. Well, they were right, it does set you free. It just won't always make you happy. I have been acting as if for two months. I said what I had to, (heck on this blog, it was read, then I deleted it. Cause I'm a coward.) and that's it. I do feel better. Just wasn't exactly what I expected. Oh, well. I know that I'm talking in code. Just disregard this paragraph.
Anyway, I hate to carry on "whoa is me", about the down side of working from home with a job and a half, but in order to have my weekends free, I try to get my 40 fours in Monday through Friday. Dr appointments, and lunch with my friends, because Damn it! I need to get out of this room! and having to work in blocks of time, I had to give up dancing tonight. Yes, I dance, no a pole is not involved. It is Scottish Country Dancing. Its like the dancing they did in the 1700's in the English courts, but more reels and jigs, and in kilts. No leaping over swords, but on your toes quite a bit.

This group that I am in I joined originally when I was 18. Loved it. Now, 20 years later, quite a few of the members who were in it when I was 18, and I thought were old then, turned out to be the age I am now. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? AND THEY ARE STILL DANCING!!!! No! You don't understand. This dancing will kill you! I'm not lying! Everything you do has to be done as I said, on your toes, down the middle and back, with 2 other couples, and eight hands around. Then you do it again from the second position. Oxygen is generally required through out the dance. It's torture. And fun. My kids love it. And they need younger members. And more men. I dance as a man equally as often as a lady. That's because I wear pants. Because, apparently after all these years, I am lead to understand that there are rules to this dancing. They are the Royal Scottish Country Dancers, and they take this very seriously.

But I didn't go. Also tonight was my daughters birthday, so I really didn't have the energy. So, I have just busted my butt, to get my 40 hours in on my real job, so that tomorrow, I can work some more at my fake job. I didn't want to work weekends, but the soon to be ex, comes over on the weekend as he still doesn't have his own place to see the see the kids. Which is fine, I don't think though that he has to see me. So I try to make myself scarce. Tiny little problem. The weekend is the only time I really get to spend with the kids, as I'M ALWAYS WORKING.

Not that I'm bitter.

There's always Sunday.

I want to say something about the National Intelligence Estimate. Briefly: Duh! (I'm actually very animated about this, but I just burned my last brain cell typing National Intelligence Estimate).

I'm gonna go drink now.

Tuesday Morning

2006-09-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

Now, Tuesday is my day to kind of relax. I have nothing to do except my full time job, (read 2 posts back) so I like to take my time before I start working. Do what I need to, or have neglected all week, in the morning and work the afternoon into the evening. Today, as I'm typing, I'm improving the texture, and brightness of my hair (coloring and conditioning), and when I'm done, I'm going shopping for my martyr of a daughter, who will be (sob!) 19 on Friday, and who doesn't want anything! I have done enough! Paying part of college, for her books, the work clothes she needed, the lap top! She owes me!

Of course she does, duh! That goes without saying! Does she think I do this stuff for fun? No, I do this because somewhere along the line, I benefit. Remember, she is one of 4 who will pick my nursing home! I need all the brownie points I can get! But it is her birthday, so she has to know that no matter how bad it may be for me financially ( AND AGAIN, IT IS NOT THAT BAD), I'm going to do something for her. So let me tell you how lucky I am.

She is precious.

She is beautiful.

She is beautiful on the inside, and it makes her even more beautiful on the outside.

She is kind. She doesn't have to cure cancer, become president, run a big corporation. She has achieved enough in my eyes, just being the kind soul she is.

She is bold. In general she is a quiet person, but she will say what she feels, even if its not popular.

She is courageous. She is often afraid, but she knows that it won't get easier if it is ignored. She does what she has to, and come out the other side a winner.

She is compassionate. She has heart enough to feel bad for others, and will do what she can for them.

She is patient. She would not say so, but I see her with her brothers, and I know she is. I am not as patient as she is sometimes.

She is fair. She knows what's right.

She is the best thing in the world that has ever happened to me.

I can not properly do her justice. She is a wonderful person, despite my best efforts. No, she is not a good person because of me, she is a good person in spite of me. She is my best friend.
I am the one who has been given a gift. She is proof that there are everyday miracles.

I did not intend to get sappy today. A lot of people have asked how I do it. How do I work like I do and raise 4 kids? My answer is simple. I got very lucky. Not only with her, but those boys, too. Even at there worst, they are not that bad. Maybe someday I will eat these words, you know, for tempting fate. But I doubt it.

(I have been very sappy the last couple attempts at posting. My emotions are a little haywire at present. No! It's not that! I'm too young!)

TAH DAH!

2006-09-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

Ok. I know I didn't create this template, but it should be easier to read. I was reading another blog with the black background, which I felt was fitting for mine, as I am "Bitter and Tired", but when I looked away, I had the weird optical effect of seeing the writing even though I'm not looking at it.

I have too much confusion in my life, I don't need to add to it. Of course, I lost my links, will have to do those again, and BlogRollIt doesn't recognize me anymore, but details, baby details!

Busy! Busy! Busy!

2006-09-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

My goodness! If I didn't know better, I would swear that the Drs I work for have it in for me! The census has gone way up, so every available moment I have on the computer, is devoted to them.
Oh, sure, working at home....

****great, my daughter, my 19 year old daughter, just growled at me. No, forgive me, it was a roar. She was demonstrating how good of a roar-er she is and the the dog didn't even flinch when she did this to her. This is my life, times four. Five, if you count the dog.******

Ok, working at home has its advantages, like the flexibility to work when I want to, or need to, or can. My youngest was home today and I did not have to burn one hour of my 314.75 hours of PTO to be a good mom and take care of him. (I'll never get to take that .75 hour. That's not allowed. It was never allowed, but it could be done, which is why I have it, but they changed KRONOS so it can't be done now. Is it my fault that they didn't put all the necessary safe guards in to begin with? Why am I being punished?) I do have a unique situation in that I work 2 jobs. Sitting here at home I can look as sloppy as I want to. But I do have to look presentable at the second job as I'm a receptionist. For an eye doctor, so I suppose I don't have to look REALLY great, as the patients have trouble seeing, and not that I do, but I can't very well roll up in jeans and a t -shirt that has"THE BEATINGS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES!!" emblazoned across the front! ( Got it at Disney World of all places!).

When I worked at the office, I would get up at 6:00, get ready, get the kids up, off to school, on to work, at 4:00, leave the full time job, drive to the part-time job, and be appropriately dressed at both places. Now, I get up, pull on jeans, cause that's one of the perks, right? Get the kids off to school, sign on to my computer and work. At about 3 o'clock, stop to change, go to part time job. At this point, I'm already down an hour. And on Mondays and Wednesday, I have to stop at 1:30, to pick my daughter up from school. We have to work in 3 hr increments, so no point getting back on, when I'm going to leave again.

If I get off at the part time at 7:30, fine, but Monday night I was there until 9:00. By the time I get home, eat, kiss the kids good night, it's closer to 10:00. No way I can work for 3 hours. So now I'm down even more time.

I'm not complaining, boo! hiss! wah! I don't like this! I'm just saying that there are adjustments to be made, and along the way, something has to give for right now. So why the dog isn't upset when roared at, isn't real high on my list of priorities. I'm a work at home mom, not a stay at home one.

September 11th Remembered

2006-09-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know that there as a lot of tributes out there. The one everyone should be reading is the 2996 Project (www.dcroe.com/2996/?page_id=2). Bloggers are paying tribute to those who lost there lives on that September morning. I was in Florida, at the Magic Kingdom, taking my children on a childhood trip of a lifetime, when they announced that the park was closing. It wasn't until we were getting on the monorail to go back to the hotel that we heard what had happened.

I wasn't angry about it for a long time. I was sad. Very sad. I would cry at the drop of a hat. It took me a long time to get over the shock. I can't see those numbers,9/11 and not think of it, on my adding machine, my clock, my vcr. On the first anniversary of the attacks, I read a very nice tribute, in of all place, my grocery ads. Yep. Right between Idaho peaches for 68 cents a pound and Shurfine eggs, 28 cents a dozen, limit 2 please, was this tribute:

TOGETHER WE'RE EVEN BETTER!

"The events of last September changed the world in many ways, for many people. We know they did for us. Gone was the idea that bad things happen elsewhere. Erased was a good deal of our innocence and our sense of absolute security. Some of us even began to wonder when, rather than if, terrible things would occur again.

But there were also some good feelings that grew from those despicable acts. We noticed more old fashioned pride and patriotism than any of us can remember. We see the flag displayed routinely-everywhere- and we find ourselves openly discussing the value of family, friends, and the freedoms we enjoy. We are realizing that September 11th didn't tear down, as much as it built up, our faith in America and our resolve to keep our country and this community the best it can be...Forever.

So as we pause to think of those who perished and the heroes that emerges on a horrific day, let us also remind ourselves that there is gain in our loss and together, we are even better."

I have faith. I believe. May God bless the victims of September 11th, and may He continue to give comfort to their families and friends.

Another Call

2006-09-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know if my number has always been popular with these survey companies, as I didn't work at home before, but I got another call today. This is mt third in a week. This one equally distressing.

Caller: May I speak to the lady of the house?

Me: This is.

Caller: Hi! My name is (insert something Perky sounding here). I'm not trying to sell you anything, or get you to try a new product, I would just like to ask you some questions regarding the radio station that you listen to.

Now, I know a lot of you would have hung up. But, I'm ashamed to say it, I once was a telemarketer. I only did inbound and surveys, I swear! I work for Gallup at one time. You know Gallup, as in Gallup poll? They're respectable, right? ALRIGHT! Once I sold season tickets for the local triple A baseball team, but that was just calling established customers, not cold calling. I've been where this girl is. Telemarketer, or drive thru girl at a fast food restaurant. These jobs are the ones you take when you are desperate, and have hit rock bottom. Do you think that they want to do this? HECK NO! These are people that are on the edge. I always try to be kind, at least not rude. There but for the grace of God.......

So we continue.

Caller: What is your age?

Me: (I hesitate. Not because I'm ashamed of my age, no, I've earned every year, but because I can't remember right away). Uhhhh, 42.

Caller: Are there any other females in the house hold under that age?

Me: Yes.

Caller: Is she available?

Me: No.

Caller: When would be a good time to reach her?

Me: You don't want to ask me?

Caller: No Ma'am, we are interested in the listening habits of younger people.

Me: Did you just call me Ma'am?

Caller: Yes, so when would be a better time to reach the other female?

Me: NEVER! AND DON'T EVER CALL MY HOUSE AGAIN! LIKE I HAVE TIME FOR THIS! DAMN TELEMARKETERS!!

caller: Telemarketers try to sell things, I'm just interested....

Me: Yeah! I heard, just because I'm old doesn't mean I'm stupid, or forgetful! Now listen, what was your name again?

Caller: (insert perky name here)

Me: Yeah, well (insert perky name here, that ah,hah! I did forget, but stupid girl, she didn't catch it), don't ever call my house again. Like, because I'm 42 my opinion doesn't matter!

Caller: But ma'am, we are interested only in a particular demograph......

I slammed the phone down. Not really, I just pushed the talk button, but in my heart, I was slamming it!

Ma'am!

I gotta stop answering the phone. Its very upsetting.

Religion and Politics

2006-09-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

As I am sure is happening across the country, a well liked incumbent and a new challenger are running for senate here in Nebraska. The incumbent has been a governor as well as a senator and his appeal crosses party lines as he has always put the state first. The challenger, started his own company, made a success of it, and now want to take what he learned/knows and apply it to politics.

For the record, I do not like the challenger. There is something in his manner that seems, too polished. While the incumbent has been a politician for a long time, he still comes across as approachable. The other guy seem phony.

Yes, I know! What are the issues? Where do they stand? I am judging the challenger based on an impression? You're right! We do deserve what we get here! But I just got a call from a survey company, who, at the end of the questions, said that the survey was paid for people who support the challenger, and you know, it wasn't that he asked them, I would have felt the same had either asked, but that he did ask them, well I don't care for the implication.

The questions start off, what is the most important issue facing Nebraskans today? Taxes, immigration, couple other things, no big surprise, I said taxes. We here in Nebraska are concerned mainly with 3 things: the weather, football and taxes, and not necessarily in that order. I believe that a majority of the people from this state would call us"The Tax Me State." We are forever fighting for relief. If we get a break from the county, the state comes in and ups the liability. I owed more to the state than I did to the feds on my taxes this year. But hey! I don't have to pay taxes on groceries! Yet.

The questioned continued, would I support a plan for securing our borders? Yes. If the election were held today, who would I vote for? The incumbent for the senate, the challenger for governor. What is my opinion of the OTHER senator from Nebraska, Senator Hagel? He's ok, but I don't always agree with him. Am I pro-life, or pro-choice? Pro-choice. Would I support an amendment to the constitution stating that marriage should be between and man and a woman only? No. Do I attend church regularly? No.

That was the question that got me. I didn't like it. I know most of the views of both the men running. To be fair, Nebraska is a Republican state, and has conservative values. A lot of people in this state would agree with some of my answers above. But I was struck by the question. It seemed to imply that if I didn't agree with what the challenger believed, that it was because I don't go to church! I am Godless and that is the reason that I want women to have abortions, and to let gays marry! I don't have a strong religious foundation because I don't attend church!

Am I wrong that that question seems inappropriate? I can hear the adds now, ..."Most people who support Senator Ben Nelson are for gay marriage, abortions and don't attend church regularly....." Wow! Sorry, but that seems so slimey!

This is probably why I pick my politicians based on my impressions. That he would ask the question, just lets me know that my impression was right.

So What's Your Dream Job?

2006-08-29T05:46:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine was saying that his dream job was to paddle a canoe down the river (I don't know which one), and identify dead trees. That to him, was heaven. I of course countered that my own dream job was to be the bread stick lady at Fazoli's. Distributing happiness in a basket, is to me, better than a Walmart greeter. That is because, I am at that age that I resent having to work, and that I didn't marry for money.I remember my Mom at this age. She was a bartender, because, well, she was trained for nothing else. She was talked into working under the table and now at the age of 69, I have mixed emotions about my Dad dying. On the one hand, my children will never know him (not necessarily a bad thing, save it for another blog), but on the other hand, my Mom now get $500 dollars more a month because he died. That is because she grew up in the generation that the Mom stayed at home and took care of the house and kids. We were the average 60's-70's family. We got 3 new outfits for each new school year, we all dressed alike at Easter, just a different hat and shoes, and we were stair step in height. I had no aspiration after high school except to get married and have kids and be a Mom.

That doesn't mean that I did not believe in equal rights, I did. One of the point of the equal rights movement was the right to choose. I have always been secure in my abilities. I have nothing to prove. I can't fight thousands of years of evolution with one stand, so I accept that there will be individuals that will think less of my abilities, by virtue of my sex. I can only lead by example. I can raise my daughter to know that there is no limits, but the road will be hard, I can raise my sons to know that their sex does not insure that they will succeed. They will fail or succeed on there own merits. Their sister, well, she may be judged by her sex, but her reputation is not what matter, rather her character is what is important. As long as all of my children are true to themselves, no one can make them feel inferior.

So, I told my kids that at this bitter and tired stage in my life, handing out bread sticks doesn't seem like a bad job at all. They of course laughed at me, saying that I wouldn't be able to just hand out the bread sticks, that I would ask," Did you finish your sandwich? No? Well, I'm not gonna give you a breadstick to waste. You have to finish your meal, before you can have another!" They're righ,t of course. I am all about power. So I started thinking: If money, time, training were no object, what would I want to do?Think about that. If there was nothing standing in your way, what would you be?

I think I would have to say, that I would be a coordinator. I would like to take my experience of getting kids dressed, lunches made, deadlines met, working a job and a half, and channel that into something creative. Not necessarily a manager, more like a supervisor. Remember I'm at the lazy stage, you know, tired? I would love to be a supervisor of a play, or a fund raiser, or even a editor of a publication, anything, that had a deadline. I like to have a line drawn in the sand. While I can definitely boss people around, and I'm creative, I'm creative in the moment. I don't think I could do it for the long haul, but I could help someone else get there. I'm attentive, and if its doable, I can do it.

I know that that's not an actual "job" but I think I'm an untapped resource. I have a clear vision. I can see down the road, and if I see that it isn't gonna happen, I will say so. But I also like to fight for the underdog, so I won't give up. Maybe charity work, not the glory work, but the behind the sense work is where I should be. I never expect anything. I do what is the right thing to do. Which is why I have the job I have. Kids gotta eat. And if that means I work a job and a half, doing something that chose me, then that's what I do.So what would your dream job be? If you could do anything, no obstacles, what would you do?

No Bike Riding Tonight!

2006-08-24T22:49:00.000-07:00

OK. I had made up my mind all week that I wouldn't go on the trail. I am barely recovered from the last ride. But, I'm such a puppet. Everyone knew that I went so when asked if I was going again, I said yes. I know. I have no backbone.
Anyway, I waited TWO HOURS for my friend to show up to take us to the trail. We live in Nebraska, the trail is in IOWA. We really don't like to talk about that much, but sometime we have to cross the river. Anyway, he's 2 hours late, so, he thinks its best not to go. YEAH! Its 9:10 pm. Very bad idea to go. So I mention that a friend of ours brother is playing at a local bar with a couple of guys he goes to school with. Did he want to go? We go, and oh my God, guys! These kids were awesome! The are called J.J. Walker, Wheeler, something with a W, and they are just 3 guys in the same class at school. They play Cash, Thorgood, Jennings, Credence, and they were great! This was just a little hole in the wall bar, but the OWNED it!

To be perfectly honest, I had more fun doing that, then riding a bike 20 miles. For the record though, I could do neither one, everyday. It was nice just to go, drink and listen to some good music. Maybe the trail again next week. We'll see!

The Trail

2006-08-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

I went bike riding again last night. Now, don't! I am not turning into a bike blogger! I just wanted to share all the reasons that I hate this trail.

1) This trail is uphill.
Both ways. Kid you not. the start of it isn't as steep as the end, but, wow! I don't like hills. They are gonna kill me.
2) It is 20 miles from point a to point b and back again.
I know! What the hell am I think? Am I freaking Lance Armstrong? Heck no! I'm not even Vance Armstrong, I'm not even in his family!
3) Bugs.
Every one that you can think of, I encountered. Chiggers, mosquito's, spiders. I have, 24 individual bites on me. That was from a 10 minute stop 15 minutes from the end of the first half of the trail. Stopped for a drink of water, and the chain mysteriously came off the gears. I suspect a swarm of locust are responsible as my bites are of biblical proportions.
4) The trail is bowed.
This trail used to be an old railroad line. The ties were removed, and whalah! A bike trail! Oh, sure some people walk it, and there are occasionally horses on it, but it is a bike trail. Every Thursday for 40 weeks out of the year, bikers descend on this trail. Some get started earlier than other, so there is traffic going both ways. So that the trail is bowed is kind of a drag! One wobble, and you are in the foliage!
5) The trail crosses roads.
Its self not so bad, but as the road is raised, each approach is an experience in terror and physical pain. You have to climb just that much more, but you also have to pause to make sure that there are no cars. If you don't, you become a graceless hood ornament.
6) Bugs.
Oh, yeah, I already mentioned them. But there are not only the buffet variety, but there are all of those little fly bugs that just seem to be attracted to your lungs. Yes I know. Fat free protein.

Now why would anyone go on this trail? Well let me tell you what are a few upsides.

1) There is a bar at the end of this trail.
They serve margheritas and tacos. Hamburgers, too.
2) Everyone else in this bar looks like you.
This is not the typical bar scene. Everyone else is sweaty and smelly and has helmet hair. At this bar, all are created equal.
3) Its not the Tour de France, but it means something to ride it.
Hundreds of people ride this trail every Thursday night. You are among the few, the crazy, the bikers. At the 10 anniversary of this ride, there were thousands of people there. It really is something. (I was there on the 10th anniversary, but had to be driven there because I couldn't finish.....but I tried, damn it!).
4) There is a bar at the end of this trail.
If your gonna risk death from heart failure, its worth it if there is a margharita being dangled in front of you. Am I wrong?

Now for the news. I came. I saw. I said no flipping way. I finished. High five for me! And a "you go girl!"

I'm never doing it again.....maybe. I'm pretty sure. Perhaps.

Rainy Days and Sundays

2006-08-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, I was reading the Paper Napkin this morning and found out that with my last post, I violated the code. The unwritten Blogger code, of not posting on the weekends. While I knew that a lot of people don't post on the weekend, I didn't know it was a rule. More like a guideline really, and I was saying that way before Pirates of the Caribbean came out!

But it doesn't change the fact that I broke a rule/guideline/trust, whatever. I wish to offer my most sincere and heartfelt apologies for this. I'll try to do better.

On the other hand, I am supposed to be working during the day, and it appears in the evenings, too, so sometimes, I will have to post on the weekend. I don't know why I'm suddenly behaving like a dedicated employee, but I am. Maybe its because they trusted us enough to do this from home now, I don't know. I think though, its because I can post on the weekend now, where before I would have had to go into work to do it, so I guess I'm don't have as great a character as I thought.

Anyway, as I am posting, I did survive the bike ride. I left after I thought the rain had stopped. And it did. Until I got to the end of the trail. Then it poured. A lot. For a very long time.

Now, I am on my bike, in the rain, no shelter, and it isn't letting up. What to do? I feel stupid just stopped at the end of the trail. So I head back. Yeah, by the time I get back, I'm looking real sweet, covered in rain water and mud. I hesitate at my stop, should I go on? I'm feeling great, the rain is letting up, this is perfect. I was turning the bike back to the trail when a flash of lightening and a huge, nasty clap of thunder that I swear came from 10 feet behind me, struck.

While I was prepared to die of heart failure, I didn't want to be barbecued. So back home I went.

I went again this morning, and kids, I love it. I'm probably not going that far, and hills? Well, not too many on this trail, but it just the total joy of riding. I know its good for me, but I don't want to do it for that reason. I just want to do because its fun. My kids have occasionally gone with me, and while a very nifty safety net (kids can't make it? Sad! Guess we have to go back!) I get to a certain point and I don't want to stop. I want to keep going.

Don't worry, I mean gosh! I'm not going to turn into a jock or anything. And besides, I hate helmet hair. But my kids say that I seem to have more energy once I get back, so as long as I don't think of it as exercise, I should be ok.

I got Links!

2006-08-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

Hey kids! I was going to go bike riding this morning, so I hauled it out at 7:30, and just as I'm getting ready to leave, it starts to rain. I love bike riding, but my real reason is that a friend of mine invited me to go with him bike riding and it was made painfully clear(literally and figuratively), that I am out of shape. Ending up as a pile on the parking lot is not the way to gather admirers, so for myself, and no one else (because he was so not worth that! (yes he was)), I am going to start riding again. Don't be that impressed. This could very well be one of my last post, as I will probably end up in the creek that runs along the trail, because of the heart attack I'll be having. I went yesterday morning and made it back home, but for the record that was under loud and obscene protest from my body.
Anyway, because I had time this morning, I went to blogrolling and added the links of some of the people I read here. You will have to scroll down as they are listed at the bottom of the page, but at least they are there. While not all of them know me as a friend, I do adore them. If nothing else, you will now see that I recognize talent.

I am going to attempt that bike ride now. Oh and yes, I am posting this from home.

Making Up for all The Time I Spent Staring Out the Window

2006-08-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

We have just hired 4 new VERY young Doctors. I am in the process of breaking them in, you know, documentation wise, so I haven't had a lot of time to look up and around. On top of that, there is the annual pilgrimage to Target for back to school. After buying backpacks, notebooks, socks, underwear (Why? No one is gonna see them?), tissues, liquid soap, (yes, we parents have to provide tissues, soap, and glue sticks) I'm beat.

Also, as my son is going to Overacheiver High this year, I have to attend a MANDATORY meeting with my freshman, so that they can tell us what a great district they are, because they are issuing each student there very own lap top. They need to tell my freshman that this is a very important part of the curriculum, and that my freshman will be expected to bring it to school every day. I have to attend so that I know that if my freshman forgets to bring it to school everyday, I will have to bring it to him. I have to sign a contract to that effect. Oh, and I can purchase insurance for this lap top for $25 a year.

Can't sign up for that fast enough. Are they kidding? It a teenage boy they are issuing this lap top to. I'm not a total idiot!

Starting Friday, I will be working from home. I am moving this whole show there.....just as the kids go back to school. SWEET! So I will be busy trying to figure out how to hook everything up proper, but don't worry, I have a teenager on stand by to help me out. I can't be trusted with this task, that's for sure. I have already contacted my own personal help desk to see what else I will need. So patience everyone. When this is done, it'll be great!

Ewwww! Blah!

2006-08-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

Hello. I was looking back at some of my recent posts, and wow! What a downer Donna I am (or is it Debbie, I've only seen the skit once, but I like Donna better). If you were directed here out of respect for Vince opinion, for gosh sakes! Don't hold it against him! He really has good judgment. I've visited some of the sites he recommends and they are awesome. I'm just not sure what direction I'm going in here, so, it may seem a little bi-polar or perhaps schizophrenic (No it doesn't! Yes it does!) for a while. I really enjoy just be able to say what you think and feel.

Now if I could just get over being so paranoid.......Oh! And if I could figure some crap out! I go to the help topics on the blogger... Is it dashboard? And I read all the topics (an incredibly HUGE waste of company time! I work on a 20 inch monitor, facing a hallway that every person in the administration departments walks by and can see. I should just put a sign that says "Fire me, will ya!" on the back of my head). I haven't figured out how to put the links to great site along the side of the page. (Hello, my name is Momcani and I am blogger illiterate.......).

Oh! Also and as well, if anybody knows, how come I can delete a post (impulsive of nature, speak before I think, etc), but the title still stays? Its like a tease. Provocative title, but no post.

Yeah. I've got issues. Help a girl out. Yeah, I know my kids probably know how to fix this stuff but they can't know about this blog, its bad enough that I told one person about it, if I thought I censored myself before, that would just be like the kiss of death.

Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Having to Cut Back

2006-08-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

I was asked to go to lunch today with some friends. They had a craving for Oriental Chicken Salad and wanted me to go with. In the past, I would have said sure. But there are two reasons now that I don't. The first is that the Nazi micro managing pig that does payroll decided to automatically have a lunch deducted from our hours because one person complained that someone else was taking a longer than 30 minute lunch. So rather than confront the individual, a new policy was instituted that effects us all. Never mind all those times that we have worked through our lunch while sipping on a SlimFast, it not her fault we are fat. One person has given her an opportunity to be even more involved in our work day. This is a side effect of working with a bunch of insecure, bitchy woman.

The other reason is because, I am down to my own paycheck for support. I have stated before that I am impulsive in speech and actions, and this is one of those times when that kind of nature got me into trouble. When I asked my husband to leave, he said he would....as soon as we had the bills paid off. (I'm still puzzled by that, I mean, ...). I wanted him to leave so I said,"Don't worry about that, just go." He said,"How will you get by?" and I said, "Don't worry about me, I don't need your money..."

Another one of my failings is my pride. Normally not a failing, no, but again, this time it is hurting me. I don't want to ask him for money. I know! I am well aware of the fact that he has 4 kids, and doesn't he think he needs to support them? You're right! I agree! But apparently the answer to this is, no, he doesn't think that. I said, I didn't need his money. So I must not. I do not want to ask him for it. I'm not being fair to the kids, I know. But before you lecture me, I can pay for their food, clothing and the house. But there isn't a lot left over. School is starting soon, so the kids need new shoes, backpacks, at least a couple new shirts. My daughters tuition is due on the 8th. Not to mention the fact that I am fast approaching the Birthday season (3 of them have Sept birthdays, boy did I plan poorly!). I guess its just that I feel that I shouldn't have to ask. I mean come on! Taking the kids for Chinese food once a week, and putting caulk around a window isn't really fulfilling the obligation he has.

But its my fault. I took care of all these details when we were together. I would get mad at him when he would buy things without consulting me. He was not in the loop finacially, so now that he doesn't have me to answer to, he's like a teenager with his money. Its his. He is staying with his parents, not paying rent, just paying his car payment, insurance, and credit card, he works hard, why can't he spend it?

This is the hole I dug for myself. We were separated a couple of years ago, and this happened before. When I took him back, I made it clear that that was the reason...money. Not because I had a change of heart, money. I'm stupid because I am letting my pride interfere. I had the example shown to me by my mother. My dad told her "You'll come crawling back to me, begging me to take you back." She didn't. I grew up in poverty because of that. I don't know why the women in my family are so full of shit, we just are.

I'm So Easy!

2006-08-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

Impulsive of nature, that's me. I do and say things in the moment. After I think about it, I realize that maybe I shouldn't have said it that way, or said it at all, or did it that way, but oh well. We can't change the past, just learn from it, and move on. Or not. I don't know, I don't have all the answers.

However, for now, I will still post here. Vince, you rock star, thanks. See how easily I can be manipulated? Don't tell anybody though. I have worked very hard at creating the illusion that I'm a mean ole woman, and if word get out that I can be done in by a few kind words, well that its for you! In a totally, non aggressive way, I mean that.

Edit: I think I was spammed. The first clue was that this was not a clever post, but when it linked me to a game.....

Spooky

2006-07-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

This was my horoscope today:

For a while now, exciting promises have been going back and forth with someone else -- and today offers an opportunity for you to get to the bottom of it. Have courage: Face the risk of revealing that you care about someone who might not feel the same way. There's an ongoing game of phone tag that needs to end soon. So get on the phone and reconnect with someone who really needs to get a hold of you. You're in demand right now, and you'll need to get used to it sooner or later. -

Do these people have an eye on my life, or not?

I'm not sure that I will be using this blog anymore. I just can't keep quiet about anything, and as more people find out that I have it, and want to, or are forced to read it, I become worried and careful about what I say. The whole intent of this blog was to say what ever I felt like saying without worrying what the reaction would be. Now I censor myself, and my post, because there are just feelings and thoughts I have that in some instances I don't want other to know. But as I am the only one reading this, and believe me, I see the same lack of talent that you do (that must be my other personality that I am referring to), I'm probably the only one that this will effect. Shame really, I liked Momcani.....

How do You disappoint a 10 yr Old?

2006-06-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

Help me with this. I want to know. My son is very upset with the prospect of his dad and I getting a divorce. We had gone to see my uncle yesterday. We were talking about this and that, and apparently my uncle caught on.
"Is your Dad living with his parents?" my uncle asked my son. My son replied", For now. But I feel pretty sure that he will be moving back into the house soon."

Now its understandable that he would think this. My husband is always at the house....on the weekends. Practically the whole weekend. To be honest, its as if he isn't gone. When my husband physically lived at the house, we really only saw him on the weekends. He worked the 3rd shift and would be asleep during a good portion of the rest of the day. As the kids were in school, it could be that the kids only saw him during the week as he was leaving to go to work. That was also the only time I really saw him. Oh, they would see him briefly when he came home and they were headed off to school. But basically, I would guess that the total time spent with the kids during the week was maybe 4 hours. 4 hours out of 120. Ok. But he probably made up for it on the weekends right?
No, Dave would sleep in, and then get up to do the things that he wanted to do. Like go running, or exercise. Or buy himself something. He would be pissy anytime that there we a task to be done, cause damn it! The weekend was his time! Seriously. I would leave rather than listen to him bitch and moan about doing something around the house. Like, patch a hole in the wall. The hole is there because Dave punched it. It has been there for 3 years. It was totally my fault. I was probably nagging him about something, probably another thing he needed to do, and he hit the wall rather than take his frustration out on me. I'm just a bitch, frankly.
So since we have been separated he has come ove around 9:00 every Saturday to see his family. Last Saturday, my youngest son asked Dave, when he arrived, if he was going to take them to see Daves parents. Dave threw his keys yelled at my son to stop harassing him about it, and stomped out into the garage. A few minutes later, he was back, yelling at the oldest boy, because he had used a tool and hadn't put it back proper. What the F@ck! How hard is it to put sh*t away? You know, he spent a lot of F@cking money on this mother f@cking tools. That boy had better get his head out of his a$$, or f@ck it! Dave would just throw the mother f@ckers away! You know, Dave doesn't have f@cking time to put this sh*t away, he's got other mother f@cking things to do, the f@cking little a$$hole!
Oh yeah, gimme more of that!
But this was our life. The 10 year old wasn't yelled at, so even though Dave bitched like this, he didn't bitch at him, so what is the problem? He loves his dad. He wants him home. Why is that so hard? Just as I let it go for 16 years, I let it permeate my children. I'm not above reproach! I got mad too. I cussed too. But I didn't call them f@cknig little a$$holes, and get angry because they need some of my time. I said this over and over again to Dave. I didn't want the kids to think that this is what married life was. But I let it go, because I was too tired to care. It my fault. I should have ended it sooner. But how do you tell that to a 10 year old. That Mommy is sorry, but I can't do it anymore?

Grass Seed and Mini Vans

2006-06-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Last week, I was drinking. Not a lot but enough, and I wanted to talk so I called a friend of mine who I know is nocturnal, and we started talking. As I have said before, my husband and I have separated. This is not something that is easy to tell others. You don't walk in one day and say "hey everybody! Guess what?....". Even though it is something I wanted, its still not easy to talk about as there is so much emotion involved, its still pretty new, and you never know; I could decide that the demons I know vs the demons I don't, so I don't really want to talk about it. But apparently, last week I didn't have a problem talking about it.

So my friend ask me what was it? What was the thing that let you know, that this was it. The fight that ended with me asking my husband to move out was over...ahem...grass seed. I know, I know! How can that end a marriage? It was an absurd reason. I want grass seed put down. I buy it. He puts it down. Then doesn't water the lawn. Why did we buy grass seed then? There really was no reason to as he didn't even use the seed I bought. He used the seed from a year ago.

That is hard for people to understand. Grass seed! So let me tell you another story. I had cancer. Cervical. So if you've watched any television lately, you know that a virus, A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED VIRUS, causes that type of cancer. But I didn't have that type, I had plan ole' cancer. Doesn't matter really except that I feel like people are judging me. I was a tramp somewhere along the line I got what I deserved! Can't change that perception. Just like everyone who gets lung cancer, everyone says, "Oh! I didn't know you smoked!"

The biggest, most upsetting thing was that I was losing something that made me female. I was being hollowed out. In my mind, my value had been diminished, because I could no longer have children. I hadn't planned on having anymore, because, I had already reached maximum capacity in my 3 bedroom, one bathroom house. That didn't mean I didn't want anymore.

So I have to have a hysterectomy. I was having it at the hospital that I work for, because, in order to get the maximum benefit from my insurance, I had to. Because I am an employee, I have to have a sticker on my car that identifies me as such. If I part in the parking lot for patients of the hospital with that sticker, I get a ticket. The only way to avoid the ticket, is to call ahead and let the hospital security know that I will be there as a patient. So I did. I told them that I would be there in the brown van. Told my husband this too.

The day of the surgery, my husband goes out to start the van, and has it all ready to go. When I walk out, on a cold morning, I see that he has the black van all ready to go. I say"I told them we would be in the brown van!" My husband says "so!" I say", I'll get a ticket, and it will go in my permanent record!"
"So? Who cares?"
"I care! It's my record! They'll tow the van! I told you we were using the brown van!"
He stomps off, gets the keys, slams the door to the black van, starts the brown van, snarls "get in then!", and goes tearing off toward the hospital. He's showing me.
We get to the hospital, he parks far away from the door, hops out of the van, stomps off, I check in, the staff goes to take me back, he says "ok, bye..." turns around and walks out of the hospital! My escort says "Is that a friend of yours?" I said yes, because I was too ashamed to say it was my husband.

That is why we ended our marriage over grass seed. As you can see, I have a history of being unreasonable.

No, don't tell me that he was upset too. He was just acting out. No. I had cancer. I shouldn't have to accommodate him. It was happening to me. Now was not the time for me to be forgiving and understanding. This was not a martyr moment.

When he and I talk about this later, and I ask him how come he left me, he says "Well you were upset, so I figured you didn't want me there...." How very passive/aggressive of him. It was my fault. I was irrationally upset, and he was just taking his cues from me.

There are 16 years of moments like that. But, there you go. Grass seed.

Freedom Of Speech

2006-06-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm like everyone else. I read other blogs, then I read the comments from others and I read their blogs, and then the comments on what they've written, and so on. I have come across some great post, and even though I don't always agree with what they have to say, I like to hear other points of view. Sometimes they can make me see things differently.

I have been reading a blog by a man who does not believe in God. That's fine. I do believe. Every time he post about people who do horrible things (kill their children, for instance) because they say that God told them to, well, lets just say the comments that go back and forth on those posts are rather spirited. (no pun intended). He and others who believe as he does, have some good arguments for their point of view. Some comments there really isn't a reply to. They have us. To which I reply that faith is the belief in things not seen or that can't be proven. That's what faith is. He won't change my mind nor will I or anybody else change his.

Then yesterday, on 6/6/06, he got a little ugly. His tone was not mocking, it was mean. While I was convinced that nothing was going to happen yesterday, other than a bunch of pregnant women would be hoping that they would not deliver TODAY, we all know that the numbers 666 is associated with the devil. Its to me, more a superstition than a sign, and mostly I don't think anything of it. They are just numbers. But they are associated with something dark, so I do notice the numbers. Its the same with 9/11. We never look at those numbers as we did before the terrorist attacks.

This guy posted some things that were, I felt, a bit much for the occasion. He has the right to say, believe and post what he wants. I'm sure that there were others that applauded him. I didn't care for the turn, so I deleted him from my favorites. Extreme, I know, kind of like his remarks. I just felt that when one drops to that level, saying that believers are polluting the gene pool, your arguments somehow lose their punch. Its too bad too, because I did like reading his stuff. He observed some very interesting examples of our narrow views in this country. Not that it will matter to him, I'm just some believer from the cornfields of Nebraska, what does he care?

Short People Got No Reason........

2006-05-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

Alright. We here in Nebraska woke up to the same news you did. Let me be clear: EVERYONE IN THE STATE, AND I MEAN EVERYONE EXCEPT THAT JUDGE AND THE DEFENDANT, ARE AS OUTRAGED AS YOU ARE!!!! We are not going to become a haven for short child molesters. The judge is a wack job, who, I hope gets voted out with great speed. (Can she be impeached..? Hmmmm). Anyway, we are concerned about this poor girl. It is hard enough for someone to come forward when this happens, so when we are betrayed by the poor, misguided, crazy judgment of someone who we expect to hand down justice, this just make it that much harder to do.

I understand that some spokesperson for the "WE ARE SHORT" league, or whatever, in New York applauded the judges decision saying that it was about time that people started standing up for those who are short of stature. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? If I were a short person I would be hopping mad that anyone would say such a thing in my defense. They are a protected class now? WHO PROTECTED THE CHILD? I am literally sputtering at the ignorance of some people! The only positive thing I can see coming out of this is..........No, nothing positive at all. If we pass a mandatory law saying all first time sex offenders are required to serve jail time, why then would we need the judges? Think on that. We don't need judges, we just make a new law. In our outrage this seems like the way to go, but in the long run, I don't think it is the right answer. Our countries government was set up so there would be a balance of
power. If we don't like what a judge hands down, we make a law to contradict it, and we get what we want.

I've always felt a little miffed at the fact that our founding fathers choose to set up the electoral college because they didn't trust that "we the people" could make a decision based on what was best for the country, not just who we like best. Now, I think that maybe they did have a point. We get a ballot with a bunch of names on them and we just mindlessly color in the box with our number 2 pencils. We have only ourselves to blame for this mess. We weren't informed, we cared more about who would be Govenor, then who was protecting the rights of the people of the State of Nebraska. We know that we are going to take a lot of heat for this. But it won't happen here again.

A Symptom, not the Disease

2006-05-16T09:49:00.000-07:00

Ok.

I'm a wreak. My daughter is graduating Sunday. When I think of all those people who thought that by my having her as a single mother that I was sentencing her to a life in a double-wide, with clothing from a garage sale as her Friday going out finery, I am just fill with pride at what she has accomplished. Not me, it was all her. She could have been raised by wolves, and I'm not saying that we are better than wolves, and she would have turned out as wonderful. I was very lucky. I know it. She is the kind of daughter parents hope for. We were truly blessed.

My husband and I have separated. We are getting a divorce. (does anyone else hear Tammy Wynette?). Seriously, this feels real. We are behaving very rationally, and adult like. We have relaxed because the pressure is off. I'm miffed only because my vanity has been bruised that he gave up without a fight, however, to say that there was no battle is a lie, as we have been trying to wrestle each other off this mountain for a lot of years, and now that I have won, the victory seems empty. He was my friend before he was my husband, and that is the part that makes this the saddest for me. I am losing a friend. Oh, we will still be friends, yes, we will but we won't have that closeness anymore. I'll miss that. We make each other miserable, so this is for the best. My oldest son treats me the same way his dad did. That is why we have to end this. We are a bad example of what a marriage is. My mother used to say that all men were no good. I never believed it. I never believed it because I didn't want it to be true. We have to have hope. Hope that things are not as bleak as they seem. And faith. "Jump, and the parachute will appear."

I'm jumping.

Not Been a Good Week

2006-05-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

You know, there must be something going around. I don't know how many of the blogs that I read where the writer is bummed over the last couple of weeks. Various reasons, but basically we are all kind of in a not so great mood. I don't want to say "BAD" mood as that implies meanness of spirit and biteiness of nature, which is only true in my case, but there is a lot of "whoa is me!" kind of thing happening. You know, life changes, its too rainy, this blog sucks, why are you wasting your time? kind of feel out there.

We all just need to get together, drink tequila, go bowling, and laugh until we cry. Purely for therapeutic reasons. Or have ice cream. Either would work, but not both. That is just way too much comfort!

My daughter graduates in a couple of weeks, and I am convinced that no one will show up for the aftergraduation party. Now she graduates on a Sunday, around 2:00 in the afternoon, so I invited everyone over afterwards. Its a Sunday, my mom and other extended family are coming so there you go! But its also on a Sunday. Can't really drink and celebrate when you have to be up early Monday. And we all know what a lousy cook I am (my bitch sisters constantly tell me this.....on every food occasion), and as I am uppity and self important, I'm really only having a party not for my daughters benefit to celebrate her accomplishment, but to rub my families face into the fact that my daughter is the first of the grandkids to graduate even though there are 6 who should have! (I'm apparently that way).

So now the insecurities of my family are to be visited upon my daughter. Some of my friends will show, but just briefly, so basically I'll have a party for no one. I plan on getting her a lap top for a gift, as the school she goes to, OVERACHEIVER and RICH MOFO HIGH, provided her with one while a student, and she says that she will miss having it. At the school she goes to, this is like a $20 bill stuck in a card, nothing really, but to my white trash family, it is just another one of my showy attempts to point out that I am better than them.

Wellburtin? Hell! I need the Zanex!!!!!

Leaky Toilet

2006-04-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

Ok. Here's the deal. Two mornings in a row, there is a puddle of water outside the bathroom door. We automatically assume that someone spilled something right there but in the exact same spot? I eye the dog. Could she possibly be that clever that she has figured out a way to get out of her kennel, pee on the floor, and get back into the kennel, and LOCK IT behind her? (until the locking behind her part, I was believing it, but she chews underwear, so I think not.). I turn suspiciously to my husband. (EASY NOW! EEWWW! GROSS!). He put a new "thingy" on the faucet outside. Could he have done something that would cause a pipe in the wall to bubble up from the floor? While more believable than the dog, I still hesitate to accuse him. He put the thing on with out any tools, so is it possible to do harm?
The floor the the bathroom is not wet. Or is it? I move a cupboard and sure enough, there is a trail of water, flowing down the floor from under the toilet, to puddle under the carpet in the hall. We have a leak. At the very least, a sweaty toilet. So my hero, steps into gear, maneuvers an emergency water receptacle, (bucket) under the worst of the leak, throws down towels, gets out the fans, and starts drying the area. It is 10:35 p.m. I say that the leak can be dealt with tomorrow, tell the kids to go to bed, and because the wall to the boys room and the bathroom, back up to each other, I check the carpet in there room. Yeah, its wet too. I tell the boy that when they get home from school, they will have to pull the carpet back, and dry that out. My husband is in full on Handy Man mode, so he says, not to worry, he will do it in the morning after the kids go to school.
The next morning I go into the boys room and am assaulted by the smell of cat pee. Once you smell it, you know it. We got rid of the cats because they pee'd on the carpet in the living room (Too fat to get over the dutchdoor to the litter box, I guess), and even though they have been gone for months, we are now reminded of them again. I guess they got the last laugh, or meow as it were. My husband says the smell is that of mildew.
"No, that's cat pee."
"No Mildew. See?" He holds up a green sock as proof. The proof is in the fact that the socks original color was white. (Ok, dingy white! So! I don't use all Tempa CHEER!).

Here's the problem. Has my house smelled like this, and I was just used to it? Is this the reason that my Mom moved out?

My God, we are pigs. I was amazed by the amount of clothes that was under the boys bed. I have sent them in there countless times to get all that stuff out from there, and I thought that they had, as I do enough laundry to cloth a small nation, say Luxembourg. How could this stuff still be in there? I admit, I avoid going into the boys room at all cost. I send in my daughter, my husband, who ever I can, because if you were to see this room, you would call child protective on me so fast, I wouldn't have time to hide!

We call it the drawing room, as the boys have drawn on the walls.....A lot. Times three.

There are no curtains on the windows. Just a lonely bent curtain rod, that just hangs there, a reminder of days gone by. We gave up and just painted the windows for privacy. That is after we had to reinforce them with contact paper as I replaced 3 windows already.

The dressers are tied to the wall. With clothes line.

We had peg board on the end of the bed to keep my youngest off the top bunk and jumping into a pile of bedding on the floor, as he spun the ceiling fan while he soared through the air. The peg board came down we he got in touch with his Monkey side, and figured out how to get to the top bunk by bouncing from the bottom bunk, up and over there rail. ( I see a future gold medal in the Olympics...).

The border of cute little bears going on a picnic have no faces, and various other body parts missing.

Tell me again why I have three of them?

Anyway, my husband is going to fix the toilet this weekend. I have been busy checking the balance on my credit card so that I can pay someone to come over and get the triple weekend rate to fix the toilet after my husband realizes that owning channel locks and a snake, does not make you a plumber.

Pray for us.

Why I work

2006-04-14T06:48:00.000-07:00

You know, as I was sitting at work last night at 8:30, eating pizza, I realized that I was very near to explaining to a co-worker the reasons I work. As I do not want to tarnish my image (which isn't a very good one), I shut up, left work and went home and looked at myself hard in the mirror. I know the surface reason is very easy. I need the money. But why? Why do I need to work to get more money? Because I have a lot of bills, including 2 credit cards, a line of credit, and a home equity loan, 2 car payments and a furniture store card. Why do I owe so much on these? Well, because I spend money. (The cars are essential, sort of, I guess we could take the bus, but for lugging kids and groceries, you can't beat it!) The home equity loan was to pay off the credit card bills, and it did. But I ran them up again. So the whole heart of my problem is the credit card bills. I work to pay off credit card debt.
So lets look at my credit card debt. Why do I owe so much? It starts out small, we all know it. "I'll just buy this now, and pay the balance off on the next statement." That's what we tell ourselves. But I find that I "buy" things all the time! Retail therapy. I will buy this to cheer me up. Why do I need to be cheered up? Because I'm missing something. What am I missing? That is really at the heart of this. What am I missing that I feel that I have to buy thing to replace it? Not food, I get plenty of that! (whole nother blog!). Sleep? I don't get enough of that, but as I haven't bought a new bed in 15 years, its probably not at the core of my problem. I used to think it was because I felt that my husband was ignoring me, and that if I bought these things to make me appear more attractive, he would pay more attention to me. Well, maybe that is the reason, but it didn't work. My husband works 2 jobs as well and when he doesn't work, he sleeps. So no matter how attractive I try to be, I'm not meeting my goal. To be honest, I don't think it matters to me anymore whether I am attracting him or not. When we do talk we are at that stage of the mundane. When we go out, we talk about the kids, home repairs, briefly about work, and then we just look at each other. He couldn't tell you one thing that I am interested in, or couldn't I tell you anything about him. We are comfortable being acquaintances.

Maybe that is the problem. My identity is wrapped up in who I am to other people, not who I am. I am subconsciously trying to reassert who I am by buying things, rather than being who I need to be. Wow. Absorb that. That's kind of deep for me this early in the morning.

Or it could just be that I like to spend money.

Would that really be so bad?

Packing for Florida

2006-04-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Hi. We’re back. I have a few stories about our trip but the first one I want to share is how Angus helped us by packing his and his brother back packs. You know, help out where he can, to lighten our load. This is what he pack:
Angus's Backpack
7 pairs of Shorts
Sweatpants
Turtleneck shirt
3 short sleeve shirts
2 1/2 pairs of socks
3 pairs of underwear
pajama's
Art pad
markers
Book, "Captain Underpants"
A plush Star
slippers
Chapstick
Stuart Little action figure
swimming trunks
toothbrush

Douglas’s Backpack (Angus packed it)
2 pair of jeans
Toothbrush
3 long sleeve shirts
5 pairs of shorts
Swimming trunks
Highlighter (1?)
No socks, underwear, or pj’s

We did repack them, but good job! He remembered the toothbrushes and the highlighter!

And We're Off!

2006-03-31T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ok. I am by no means a world traveler. So when I say that this has been the longest most agonizing week of my life, know that it is because I have a naive faith that all will be right with the world.
We leave on Sunday. Until yesterday, I still did not have any information, other than a reservation confirmation and a credit card bill that I had booked the trip at all. I didn't want to seem pushy. I knew that I would get the information soon. But I was starting to FREAK OUT! As I said the last time I traveled was in 2001, and the time before that was when I was 15. I don't know all the ins and outs. I don't understand electronic tickets. I want something in hand. So I called my friend to get the phone number of the travel agent (as all communication between her and I had been through e-mail, which she hadn't answered, either.). I called her home number as she does this from home and left a message to call me. That was Tuesday. She did not. I kind of let it slip to my friend that I hadn't heard from her. She called her Wednesday. Wednesday evening, the travel agent called me back. So sorry. She thought I was leaving next week. So she called the tour provider, and they just sent the paperwork out on Friday the week before. Now I have paid for this since February, so, why it took that long to get an answer or to send it, I don't know. Neither did they apparently, as they had no answer. Fine. I just want my tickets. As of yesterday, they still don't have them at the travel agency. I did get a fax confirmation which they assure me, is a good as the real thing. (if that's so, they why not fax all the confirmations, hmmmmm?).

I'm willing to go on a little faith. I have the instructions to the airport, airport to the hotel, hotel reservation......this will really suck if it doesn't go well. Wish me luck. the kids have turned around and are kind of excited now that we are going, but I think that they are secretly hoping that we will also stay in Kansas City too, so both dreams are fulfilled. (not a chance!). I have to pack yet and that will include getting the summer clothes out, as only a week ago we got 14 inches of snow, so the weather is still a little tricky, wash the clothes, pack, move my mother, load up the van...

Oh, yeah, did I mention that this is the weekend that my Mom decides to strike out on her own and move? We have to scramble to make other arrangements for the dog, stop the paper, hold the mail, move Mom, and oh, yeah, after all she will stay and keep an eye on the house while we are gone, but I still have to move her 3 hrs away, so that she is nearer her brother, so that's 6 hours in the van, with my teenage son who hates my music, and don't forget! We spring forward this weekend!

Give me strength! Talk at ya when I get back, maybe......

The Revolving Door

2006-03-27T13:43:00.000-08:00

Sorry. I've been very busy. I am going to Florida next week, and can you believe it? My employer expects me to be caught up before I leave? The nerve!

Speaking of employers, as you may remember I code for doctors. Not a real glamorous job, but I get paid a butt load of money to seem busy and important. The Drs I code for are so good at what they do, that we (as if I have a say!) are hiring 8 more just like them so that we can have 24 hour coverage at the hospital where these Drs work. I know, you're surprised, there is generally only 2 dr in the hospital overnight. Scary, huh? Anyway, they are hiring more so we will have coverage 24/7. This will also mean more work for me....I didn't say I was happy.

The reason I'm telling you this is that one of the Drs who helped start this program, has given his notice. He will be leaving us in June. I just feel it necessary to say, that this man was one of the most caring physicians I have ever had the pleasure to work with. He would feel bad about charging someone extra time, especially if in the end the patient died, through no fault of his, and he would procrastinate getting his documentation done. He went to great lengths to find out what the problem is, not so that he could bill for more services, but because he truly wanted to help these patients get better. I talk more to a couple of the other doctors, but I have secrectly always had a soft spot for this one. I have covered for him when his superiors have asked if he has gotten his charges in, because I know that it isn't laziness that causes this, its just that this man is a healer.

We will be worse off without him. It has been a pleasure to work with him. Best of luck to you Dr. And if you are going into private practice, let me know. I would trust you with any of my family members.

Nothing to Say

2006-03-17T13:18:00.000-08:00

Basically, that's it. I'm tired, and so ready to go on vacation that I have nothing to say. Not to mention the fact that no one is too concerned about this anyway. I do understand that this is not the most direct course to a loyal following, but we each have our own journey to walk. This is mine.

Have a good weekend everyone. Happy St Patricks Day.

Some People are Never Happy......

2006-03-14T07:03:00.000-08:00

The cover story for going to Florida has been that we are going to Kansas City. This is not really a lie as we are going there. We are flying out of Kansas City as it is $400 cheaper and it is a direct flight to Orlando. This is where we have told our kids that we are going.

They are getting way too excited about Kansas City. They are pumped for it. So my husband and I decided that we need to tell them now, what our true destination is. I call all of them into the living room, and we tell them that we are going to Florida.

No response. Apparently, I didn't turn off the t.v. and they were distracted by an orangutan throwing poop. I said," Guys, we aren't going to Kansas City, we are going to Florida."

My middle son doesn't take his eyes off the t.v. and say "yeah, right."

My oldest son says "We're still going to South Dakota this summer, right?"

My youngest son says, "We're not going to Kansas City?'

I say, well, technically we are going to Kansas City, we are going to the airport to fly to Florida.

This gets my middle sons' attention. "What?! We are going to fly there? Why can't we drive? I hate flying! (he's done it once). I don't want to go if we are going to fly!"

My youngest drops to his knees in shear disappointment. "I hate Florida! I don't want to go! I want to go to Kansas City!" He starts to cry.

My oldest son says, "Serious, Mom! We are still going to Rapid City, right? Please!"

Oh, yeah. The excitement is building at my house.

Going to See the Mouse, Part II

2006-03-10T12:03:00.000-08:00

Now, I like to consider myself a clever mom. I do not like to be harassed about anything, especially vacation, so in general, I don't tell my kids we are going anywhere until we pull into the parking lot. It is for this reason that my husband and I have decided not to tell the kids we are going to Orlando. While some parents like to use this as a "kid-be-good" tool, my children are smart enough to realize that if I am going to commit to something this big, I won't leave one of them behind. So, with the exception of my daughter, my kids have not been told that we are going to Florida. Yet despite this, they all seem to know.
No, my daughter has not told them. She is the Price-Waterhouse of secrets. There is no way that she would tell her brothers. (though it could have more to do with torturing them with "I know something you don't know!", but really that is so "boy".) I have not told them. Neither has my husband. But somehow they seem to have zoned in on our brain waves and they know!

Case in point: My youngest has a rather severe case of telephonitis. He calls me on my cell phone anytime that he gets near a phone. I don't want to discourage this, because I want him to know my number in case of an emergency, but I always know its him. He called me the other day and left this message:
"Mom, I just want to call to say that I love you, and to ask if we can go to Disney in the summer before I go to the third grade. Mom, I love you so much, I love you from the heart, I'm true, I love you Mom." Same kid, yesterday, when we were talking about going to Kansas City (our diversionary destination), "We are going to Kansas City and from there, might go to Disney!" How does he know this?

The second to the youngest keeps talking about what it was like the last time we went, you know reminiscing over the trip. Why now? It was almost 5 years ago that we went before. Yet this boy remembers in detail how Belle tried to get him to smile, and that Gephetto gave him the best hug ever.

The 14 year old wonders if we will ever go do to the ocean again like when we went to Florida. And that the Rocking Rollercoaster and Tower of Terror were "pretty sweet".

Which one of you told them? I'm not mad, but really, who told? Seriously.

I Need Some Help!

2006-03-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

Ok. Not to beat a dead horse (what a horrible expression!), but I have annoying co-workers. Annoying, LOUD co-workers. I know more about the families and personal business of these woman than I care to, or need to. Because of this, I trying to stay in my on little corner of the cube, and drown out everything by listening to music. (Everyone should try this at least once. When a song fades and you hear only a snippet of a conversation, I tell you, the blogging material should just FLOW!).
I am going to list here, every fourth CD that I have here. Yes there are quite a few, but I'm here for 8 hours, I need a lot of music.

The Clash- Combat Rock
The Calling- Camino Palmero
Sam Cooke- Portrait of a Legend
Rascal Flatts- Rascal Flatts
Wicker Park Soundtrack
Our Lady Peace- Gravity
Ray Price- 20 All Time Greatest Hits
Best of the Osmonds (YEAH! SO?)
Ryan Cabrera- Take it All Away
Bon Jovi- Have a Nice Day
Bare Naked Ladies- 1991-2001
Maroon 5- Songs About Jane
James Blunt- Back To Bedlam
Sister Hazel- Fortress
Lovetap- There's This Girl
Matchbox Twenty- Mad Season
George Strait- Latest, Greatest, Straitest Hits
Dashboard Confessional- A Mark- A Mission- A Brand- A Scar
Bowling for Soup- Drunk Enough to Dance
The Best of Chris De Burgh
Andrea Bocelli- Sogno

The kindest thing to say is, is that it is eclectic!

Now, most of this music I just came across listening to the radio. So basically, I like what my radio tells me to like. ( sorry, mob mentality!). Here's where I need your help. I have been asked to recommend music that will make the listener appear hip. (their word, not mine). I thought I had the answer until I saw my list. And its an honest list. Think about it, for every one of these CDs, there are 3 others that are just as surprising. Yes, yes, I know! That I'm listening to cds shows that I am so yesterday haven't I heard of an IPOD out here in Nebraska? Why, shucks, we heard about those new fangled music machines, but despite popular belief, not everyone has one....there are still a few of us holding out, in a naive belief that they will come down in price. Remember, my generation bought the first cd players for $600. You only make that mistake once!

So please tell me what you would recommend. I will appreciate any input. Please. My self image is on the line, however, tattered it may be.

Just Browsing

2006-03-03T08:50:00.000-08:00

We all have blogs that we like to read. Our favorites. We can tell how we found them, which lead us to another blog, which was added to our favorites. We are dedicated. But every now and then, we go up to that little button at the top of the page and browse. In this way, we read newer fresher stuff, expand our circle of favorites, because that is what its there for.

But have you ever come across something you weren't expecting? Something of an adult nature? I have accidentally browsed my way onto a few sites that I would not have gone to intentionally. I am always caught off guard. I used to keep my window open to the full size of the screen, but accidentally browse to a blog were there is a picture prominently displaying body parts in places that they shouldn't be with out a a couple drinks and the promise of a cigarette afterwards, and you realize that there are somethings you don't want to see on a 20 inch monitor screen, much less have everyone that walks by your cube and turns to see what you doing, to see either! Stuff like that helps you figure out what kind of person you are. I have discovered that I am the "ohmygodwhocouldputsomethinglikethisup?" kind of person. I fumble quickly with the mouse to go back to the previous blog, go forward, anything, just to get off of that blog. Yes there is a selection that you can click on that would put a warning on the blog, so that it will be taken out of the rotation. I'm conflicted about that.

First off, who am I to judge? Just because I don't want to see it, doesn't mean that other don't. I find it inappropriate, but I could just be uptight. We have freedom of speech so these people (exhibitionist, every one!), have the right to post what they want. I can just choose not to look at it.
On the other hand, do I really want my teenage son to accidentally come across it? Or my 10 year old? Or anyone's kid for that matter? NO! But shouldn't I be keeping better track of what my kids do, so this doesn't happen? Yes, I should. But it is naive to think that I can be always aware of what my children are doing.

So perhaps I should click on the warning. Problem is, is that once I leave the site, I can't get back to it. The rotation changes. That kind of works for me. That way I don't have to see it, nor do I censor it.

Best of both worlds!

Kid Speak

2006-03-01T11:15:00.000-08:00

I have figure out why teenagers think that their parents are stupid. I know. It just came to me. They think we are stupid because of all the things we still say that they said when they were five. No need to thank me. Glad I can be of service. Let me give you a few examples of the words that pepper my speech:

Karax- This is a word that I use almost every day. My daughter, who is now 18, would say it to me when she was 4. It was her way of saying not to bother her, similar to the word harass. "Don't karax me, Mom, I will pick up my room!"

Insult reaction- Another one of my daughters terms. My sister is a diabetic. When she was pregnant, her blood sugars would be all out of wack, so my mom, who lives with us, would go to her when my sister would be sick She would tell Emma why she was leaving and have her tell me. (no, she was not left alone! My husband was there!). My daughter would very earnestly relay this message to me, when I would get home. My husband couldn't help himself, he would say," What? Did someone say that she was dressed funny?" (he'd crack himself up everytime. I laughed, well, more like chuckled, only the first time.). My daughter would be mad that my husband did not appreciate the seriousness of the situation.

Being have- This one is from my oldest son. He would asked if he could have candy or ice cream, or whatever, and I would say, "If you can behave." He would always reply, "But Mom, I am being have!"

Crack pot- What you make apple sauce in at school, or a roast, if you are at home.

Arts and Craps- there you go.

FIS!- Duh! That spells focus!

meatma Die- Peanut butter and jelly. Don't worry, we got my son a special test after that one.

My point is, is that these are those cute, endearing phrases that my kids would say, that would make me love them that much more. Those words that we did not want to correct because it was so cute to hear them say. My youngest used to answer me "yes, sir" when I would ask him if he understood me, until he got to kindergarten, and that Bitch of a teacher, corrected him to say "yes, ma'am". (I never liked her!). I still say these little phrases around the house, in front of their friends, and my kids give me a major eye roll, like whatever! and correct my ignorance.

It must be very difficult to have such a sorry Mother as myself.

Food Day!

2006-02-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

Bear with me. I am very tired today. I woke up at 4:30 am and could not get back to sleep. Figured what the heck! I can do this! Someone please remind me that I stare at a computer screen that is only six inches from my face ALL DAY so no, I can not do this.

Last night, there was a meeting with the big wigs. As is the custom, food was ordered from a chicy restaurant and the big wigs hardly ate a thing. Good news for us, because that means, we get the left overs!! Yep! Chicken Parmesan, lasagne, and enough garlic bread to feed a small nation. You'd think that we never eat the way we fall on this food! Seriously, there are people in this office that are planning dinner by the amount of food that they are currently putting on there plate. There is one woman who is trying to free up space, I can only guess, by handling all the food. She generally does this immediately following blowing her nose. It feels decidedly like that Sinfield episode, where Jerry won't eat at the girlfriends family restaurant, because the uncle walked out of the bathroom and didn't wash his hands. We are not your family! We do not think it is ok for you to take a bite of food from a fork and put it back into the container. SERIOUSLY! With a tissue in her hand. And they say I'm not a joiner because I won't eat with them.

Have I ever mentioned that I am in office hell?

Happiness in a Bag

2006-02-27T11:07:00.000-08:00

You know, there are very few things in this world that just saying the name of it, can make you smile. There are people that touch our lives and the very thought of them, takes our breath away, sure, but there are very few things that can illicit that response. I know that I have found one. It is glory in a sack, ambrosia from Mt Olympus, bliss in a factory sealed 1 0z package. Of course I am speaking of Chili cheese Fritos.

I stood before that vending machine and knew that I should buy the peanut butter and crackers, or at the very least, the pretzels (10 of those are a serving, so don't get greedy!). I knew that there was no way that buying the Fritos could be good for me. But as I looked into that machine, my inner rebel was screaming, YEAH! DO IT! WE'LL GET TATTOOED LATER TOO!" Normally I can ignore these ravings, but today, why not? It's just 1 oz. One lousy, stinking, cheap ounce, how much damage will that do? I doubt that one stupid little corn chip is gonna send me over the edge. If my arteries are gonna clog, that would have been from my formative years, not the "I'm older, a mother of 4, I need to set an example...." years. I'm entitled, damn it! I had a rough weekend, and its MONDAY! I need this pick me up. So I bought em.

There are few things in this life that can put a smile on your face at the thought of them. I submit that Chili Cheese Fritos are one of those things.

Now if we can get those bastards to make the package a little bigger, life would be perfect. At least for the 53.4 seconds it will take me to eat them.

Animated Cell Phones

2006-02-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one disturbed by that cell phone on Yahoo! that morphs into Whoopie Goldberg? That's just crazy nuts!

I have to stop checking the news on that site. Its creeping me out.

Everclear

2006-02-23T09:24:00.000-08:00

I know what I'm about to say may change your opinion of me, but I have to say it:

Ten Years Gone, The Best of Everclear 1994-2004

This is quite possibly one of the best collections of music I have ever heard.

There you go. Go ahead and judge me.

Co-workers, Part II

2006-02-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

I have a real job and a fake job. The fake job I love, the real one, drives me crazy. The job itself is monotonous, but the people.....When I say that I am in office hell, I mean it.

The job I do requires certification. I have letters following my name. But the certification is not worth the paper it is written on. We basically know how to look things up better than the average person. Having said that, I must now tell you that I work with 6 people who believe that the business I work for would stop generating money were it not for them.

This is not a career. It is a job. That we have id numbers and annual dues does not change that. I could get a job anywhere in this industry. But I know that little kids do not grow up and say," I want to be this!". The job I do finds you. You accidentally back into it. I am a coder.

What is that? Well, when you are sick, I decipher what the Dr says you have, and assign a code to it. For instance, if you have a cold, I would assign the number 460. to the claim that is sent to your insurance company, and they too, will know that you have a cold. Simple. There are, like a gagillion different codes in the coding book, so you have to know how to look it up. That is a skill I have. I can read a diagnosis, look it up in an index, then assign the number designation. I know now that you are in awe of my ability. BUT WAIT!! There's more!!! I can also say what level of service the Dr gave you, accurately assign a CPT code to the procedure he performed on you, and I can tell how many milligrams of medicine he administered just by a sequence of numbers, that are all clearly written out, alphabetically, in a book. You're a little scared now aren't you, knowing how much power I have. I can ruin you (and get sued, too...), if I mess up just one number!

Wrap your mind around that. I'll wait.........

Now, I know that this is not a difficult job. We can all be trained to do it. We have to take a big hairy test in order to get the certification, but after that, an occasional audit every now and again, and there you go. You can write CPC (that's Certified Professional Coder!), after your name. This is not a big deal. But a few of the people I work with, take this job VERY seriously. They believe so highly of themselves that they practically want people to genuflect in there presence. One of my co-workers code for babies right after they are born. That's it. It is all how the baby is born, vaginal or c-section. That's it, 2 codes. Yet she is still mad that she doesn't have an office. Or at least a cube of her own. She has to share it with me and a DATA ENTRY CLERK. (the humiliating part of that is the sharing with me!). I am looked on with disdain normally reserved for Drs. I came to this job from a reimbursement position, not a medical, hand on office. I was looking at the money. I have little to contribute. I just don't KNOW.

The other co-works, basically the same, except that they have years of experience that I don't. We meet for meeting once a month as we are required to get Continuing Education Units, you know CEU's, in order to keep are credentials. I look around that room and all I see are a bunch of pinched looking, too small of blazer wearing, OLD women. Even the young ones look faded and washed out. I do not look like any of them. The only thing I have in common with them is that I am trying to stay awake long enough during this 7:00 am meeting to write down one measly thing I learned so that I can keep these precious credentials.

Please, someone, shot me now. Seriously. Help me.

Brittle Cold!!!!

2006-02-17T12:14:00.000-08:00

I live in the Midwest. Anyone who has watched there news over the last couple days knows that there is a "Polar Plunge" blanketing this part of the country. Yes, a HUGE storm just cut a swath of snow across this part of the country. We were fortunate where I am at that we did not get a lot of snow here, but we could not avoid the cold that followed it. The temperatures outside is 9 degrees. Cold, in and of itself. But when you factor in the windchill, it feels like 129 degrees below zero. That does not call for a Nose Bubble Alert, at those temps, it is a full on Nose Bubble Warning!

I am 41. (just don't ask me how much I weigh!). I grew up in a time that when it is as cold as the above, your car will not start, power would fail, and people had to keep warm huddled around the only gas appliance in the house, the stove. I know cold. So I make my kids bundle up before they go outside. Hats, scarves, boots, the whole nine yards. I get a like, major eye roll, whatever, from my teenagers, and the 2 smaller ones want to wear snowpants because there is a quarter inch of snow on the ground that they might get to play in at school. (that they won't have recess at those temps, they don't know yet, but hey! They're warm!).

So it is with great dismay that I drop my daughter off at the high school and I see kids walking into the school wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops. Flip flops. And the most shocking part of this is that these kids just exited Mom and Dads car dressed that way. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!? HOW COULD THEY LET THERE KIDS OUT OF THE HOUSE DRESSED THAT WAY, LET ALONE, OUT OF THEIR CAR?! I don't get it. What are they teaching these kids by allowing this? What personality trait are they hoping to encourage by this? Do they believe the stories about global warming to such an extent that they are not at risk for frostbite at these temp? Will these parents feel that they did right by there children supporting their sense of individuality as the kids toes and fingers are being amputated from frostbite? When there daughter get made fun off by seventh graders because she doesn't have a nose, and kindergarteners run from there son because he has no ears, will they feel good that they let there child make his own choices?

I tell my daughter that these people make me crazy, and I spy a girl walking in to the school in a tank top and a skirt, I say that I hope there is a fire drill and these kids have to stand out side, so they can see how stupid they are! She thinks about it a minute, and says,"But Mom, my coat will be in my locker, so I won't have one either, and I will be cold, too."

Damn.

Don't bother me with details! And wear your coat to class!

Valentines Day

2006-02-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

Now I know what you are thinking. A repeat of our anniversary. Not really.

BUT AM I ASKING TOO MUCH THAT HE REMEMBER THAT I DO NOT LIKE CHOCOLATE COVERED CHERRY CORDIALS!?

I think not. I know that there are a lot of woman out there that agree with me on this one. We take our chocolate very seriously.

Annoying Coworkers

2006-02-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

Earlier, I spent a lot of time adding a post that was clever, timely and fun, about a particular co-worker. Somehow my blog didn't publish or even save as a draft. Dang!! I'm exhausted from the earlier effort and I think that there has been quite a bit of traffic past my cube by administration, so I am reluctant to try to recreate the previous blog. I am sure that I won't be able to recapture the spontaneity of it, and it will sound boring and unfunny. Most of my stuff is, so the good news is, your expectations aren't that high. (Dan, you feeling ok? This is a good site for you, shouldn't tax you too much!).

Anyway, after my disappointment that the post didn't carry over, let me just quote this for you. The annoying co-worker, hand to God, said this this morning..."Well, my hair is clean today so I can't keep my bun on top of my head. I think it makes me look a little sexy with this poncho and all.....".

This what I live with everyday at this job. I am in office cubicle hell.........

My Identity

2006-02-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

As you see, my name is Momcani. Why? Because that is all I ever hear from my kids. That is simple enough. When I go home for the day, and put my key in the door, on the other side of the door, I hear the words "mom-can-I....." before I even have the door opened. It is not as tender as Mommy, or as perfunctory as Mom, but it serves me. To be honest, I lost me identity 18 years ago.
I used to be somebody with a name not a designation or a job. Since my daughter was born, I introduce my self as Emma's Mom, or with the boys now, David, Dougie, or Angus's Mom. (I don't want to hear it! These are not your kids, I will name them what I want!). I'm not upset about it. That is what I wanted to be from childhood, a Mom. What greater job could there be?

The only problem is that I don't know how to introduce myself with out saying my name is Momcani, Emma's Mom. As most of my adult contact is with other parents, this isn't a big problem. But when I met people who are not parents of my kids friends, I forget how to do it. I become so very twentysomething, and only give them my first name, like I'm afraid that they might steal my identity if I tell them my last name. Now to all of you twentysomethings, I'm not saying that your paranoid, or more careful then my generation, but we were raised to introduce ourselves a particular way, so I always feel awkward when I do it and do not give my full name. As if I'm saying "Stalker! I don't trust you!".

My children have the same problem as to them I am Momcani, not my real name. My husband is "honey" according to my youngest because that is what I call him. (unless he is in trouble, then I call him "HONEY!!!"). (My husband, not my youngest!).

Anyway, this post, in my mind, was going to be so much more clever, but basically, no, not so much. There seems to be a lot of that going around today. Anyway, that is why I call myself Momcani. Sorry, I'll try to do better next time.

Where's the Trust?

2006-01-31T17:09:00.000-08:00

I have an ongoing battle with the pharmacy that is on every corner. I understand that nothing is perfect. All I expect from a pharmacy is that they get the script right, tell me any pertainent information that I need to know, and give me all my cards, insurance, debit, credit, whatever, back. I don't think I'm asking a lot. But apparently I am. Lets list them out, shall we?

Offense Number1: They pharmacy gave me only half the prescription because that did not have all of it.
In and of itself, not a terrible offense. That is when they didn't tell me that they were only giving me half, and it was Valium. And my son had picked up the bottle. And no one at the pharmacy could tell me what the other pharmicist had done. And he wasn't there. And am I really willing to risk my sons life until the next day?
After my son stomach was pumped and it was revealed that he did not take the meds, they began eyeballing my other son, because you know, kids lie when they are in trouble! It was probably him who took the pills! The next day, the pharmacist called me back. He forgot to tell me that it was only half the prescription. He was sorry.

Offense Number 2: They gave me (now I know, you are asking yourself, why did I go back after the first offense? Well, every other pharmacy with a global reach left our town, and 3 years had gone by, and remember, there is one on every corner, so I went to another corner!) where was I? Oh, they gave me a script for a medicine for the eyes, with a warning on it, not to put this medicine in the eye! Apparently, she got confused, and gave me the medicine for ear drops, not eye drops. I returned it, and she told me that it would have been ok either way. I said oh really? Then how come it says to flush with water and contact emergency medical personel immediately if you get it in the eye? She was sorry.

Offense Number 3: I went to ( I know! But again! There is no other pharmacy open at 10:00 except them and my son's head was about to explode! It were me, I would have risked it, but....) another corner, turned in the script, new insurance card, was told the wait would be 30 minutes. Grand. In 30 minutes, I came back to the drive up window, tried to tell her who the prescription was for, she couldn't hear me, so, I gave her my bank card, which has my name on it, and besides, I'll have to pay for it anyway. AN HOUR LATER, I got my medicine for my son, and my credit card. They were sorry.

Final Offense: I went to my regular pharmacy to get a routine prescription. New year, new insurance, could they get a copy of my card? Sure, said I. I dug around in my purse, and guess what? I didn't have it. Guess who did? For a week? And didn't call me to tell me? Yeah, they were sorry.

They sure are sorry! Now kids, I can't even make the bold statement that I will NEVER go back, because they are the only game in town at night! Yeah, I'll bet they're sorry about that, too!

Going to see The Mouse

2006-01-30T12:27:00.000-08:00

You know, going anywhere with 4 kids, a husband, and a dog is an adventure, but by the time I get to this vacation, it will seem a snap after making the arrangements. Call Ms. Impulsive, but I decided that it was time to take the kids to Orlando again. Three reasons for this; my baby was there but really doesn't remember even though we took a lot of pictures of him, and he has some ears, while he kind of believes us, he's not really sure. Secondly, my daughter is about to graduate from high school and will LEAVE ME ALONE with all these boys, so I wanted one more family trip before that. Lastly, the last time we were down there was on Sept 11th. I would rather my kids have a childhood trip of a lifetime memory that did not include imfamy!

So we are going to Florida!

First thing do we fly or drive?. Gas prices being as they are, it is probably cost effective to fly, however, we want to go at Spring break, so you know the airlines, the price is higher! That will be 6 of us, no dog, she will stay home with Grandma, so we are looking at quite a chunk of change if we fly. Oh, sure! Had I not been so impulsive, and spur of the moment and PLANNED this trip, I probably could have found a bargain, but no sense beating myself up over that, we are going now.

Secondly, which hotel? We can stay at a modest hotel in Kissimmee at $67 a night, 2 rooms, minimum stay 4 nights, or we can get a VILLA with a private pool, 5 day passes to that upstart movie park, for $3200, including airfare. There is also the option of staying at the resort hotels with free shuttle service to the parks, however, we would have to get a rental car to go to both parks, $267.00 plus taxes and insurance, unlimited miles. We have a pass for Mickey from the day that the park closed while we were down there that they assured me at the time, was good for "forever". Why would the mouse lie?

When to go? If we go the week that my kids are out of school, the prices are higher. If I go the week before, the tickets for the airfare and hotels are half price. Do I really want to deal with the disapproval of the schools? Ok, that really isn't an issue, sorry I went there.

This is quite a quandary. The last part will be spring this on my husband. I will of course have to tell him, in and/or around a medical facility as I am sure he will hemorrhage at the thought of spending this amount of money. I think I have this figured out too. I will let him tell the kids that it was his idea. Yes, that's my job. Self sacrificing Mom. We do what we have to.

To be continued......

Slimey Cheese Dog!

2006-01-25T13:55:00.000-08:00

(damn! One of these days I will stop hitting enter after I add the title and I won't have to scramble to recall the post!)

I have a teenage daughter. She has a boyfriend. While I am a bitter adult, I am secrectly an idealist, so as long as my daughter is willing to share with me, I love to live vicariously through her in her trial and tribulations with that boy. (He's so NOT good enough for her! She's an Angel, and he's, well, he's a JUNIOR!).

The other night she and he were out and he was telling her a little more about himself. My daughter does not pry, she doesn't want to seem pushy or stalkerish, so she had not asked him about his former girlfriend (how that is pushy or stalkerish, I don't know, FOCUS! I'm a mom and that puts me totally out of touch!). Anyway, he said," I have a sister, a brother. I broke up with my last girlfriend a couple months ago, that hit me pretty hard....."

My daughter is freaking out. This kid is dropping her off at our house, talking about his ex and seems distracted when she gets out of the car. She tentatively ask him if she gets a kiss good bye, he is like "oh, yeah..." leans over, peck, and he's gone.

She tell me this and I tell her not to worry, he wasn't reminising he was just telling her that he was sensitive, and that he had been hurt, its ok. Secrectly, I am feverishly trying to figure out a way I can get a lock of this other girls hair, and if I know anybody with secret voodoo knowledge, no questions asked, totally not judging them. My daughter decides I don't know what I'm talking about, but humors me by saying I'm probably right, and give me a hug, but stops short of patting me on the head.

That was Sunday. Today, he and her went to lunch (teacher conference or something or other), and he brings her home and again, she is feeling kind of "what the heck?" I tell he to call him, right now, tell him she is feeling this way, and to get this settled. Is he missing the girlfriend, or does he think that my daughter doesn't really like him, and he doesn't want to look like a loser, because he really likes my daughter. I tell her that I don't know why she'd feel this way as it doesn't sound like he is missing the ex just by what he said.

My daughter says," Did I tell you that he had said that he broke up with the girlfriend and that that hit him hard?" I said yes. She said, "Did I tell you that he said since then, he was just trying to figure out a way to pass the time?"........

NO! SHE DID NOT!!!!

I told her that she definitely needed to call him now, and find out what was going on, and if she could have a lock of HIS hair...(she was puzzled by that, but whatever...)

Long story short, he didn't mean it that way, he was very sorry, why did I want a lock of his hair?

If my daughter ever knew that I was posting anything like this, she would kill me. So you mustn't tell her. Ever. Serious. Don't bother me with silly details, but you see, I do have a friend with secret voodoo knowledge, and hell hath no fury like a Mom who is busted!

Oh, and the boyfriend, who was NEVER good enough for my daughter, is a slimey cheese dog!!

Handedness

2006-01-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

As I'm sure the clever among you could tell, I'm left-handed (I know, my typing slants the wrong way! I don't know how to make that appear that way, either....). Now, on an average day, I don't even think about it. I am used tighten a light bulb first before I remove it, and with the invention of electric windows, I don't ever roll a car window up first to roll it down, or visa versa. (If there are other left handed people reading this, and you don't do these thing, too, well, FREAKS!!). I have accepted that I will have to ten key right handed, at restaurants, I will always have to sit on the end otherwise I will bump elbows, and I take comfort in the fact that the drive up ATM Machines accommodate me (that is, If I can get the window down). But what really burns me up is wrapping paper on a roll.

I know. How hard could this be? But consider: when a right handed person cuts the wrapping paper off of the roll, the paper falls to the table neatly. The gift is placed in the center, and wrapped. WHA-LAH! When I go to cut the paper off the roll, I have to turn the roll in the other direction, so if there are cute little dancing animals holding up banners, wishing the recipient happy something, they are now upside down. I cut the paper it falls to the table, I put the gift in the center, wrap it, and WHA-LAH! I now have a present that is wrapped upside down, ready to be given as a gift.

During the Christmas season this was especially vexing as, have I mentioned, that I have 4 kids, a husband, Mom, in-laws, various other relatives, co-workers, friends and a dog. After rewraping yet another d@mn Christmas present, I whined.

"Gosh! I wish that they (and you KNOW who "they" are!) would make left handed wrapping paper! It would be so much easier!" My mother who was also wrapping at the time, asked why, and I told her what I have just shared with you. She scoffed. "They can't do that!" she said. Right handed people would buy it and wrap there presents upside down then!" I said "What? Right handed people can't read? It will say Left handed paper!" She said, "you just need to deal with it, and flip the paper around.."

Betrayed by my own mother! (to her credit she has six other kids who are right handed so anyone who grew up in a big family knows, MAJORITY RULES!!!). This has set me in motion! I am proud of my handedness, and am ready to take on the big boys. Oh, sure while there must be quite a bit of cash to be had suing Hallmark and American Greeting, wrapping paper division, why not go immediately to the Big Dog! So, for the record, I am interested in going after the UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE. You know those roll of stamps? They cause me undue stress and emotional pain, while putting me at risk for repetitive motion injuries, and paper cuts. In order for me to comfortably apply the stamps, I have to turn them UPSIDE DOWN as they dispense to the RIGHT ! And anyone who's ever gone to jr high school knows that to apply a stamp upside down means YOU LOVE THE RECIPIENT! I do NOT love the electric company, the cable carrier, or my cell phone company, even though they ask me to come and get my love!

THAT'S DISCRIMINATION!!

Who's with me?!

Returning to work

2006-01-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

First off, concert was great. All things are fine, I just need to refill the Prozac. Settle down a bit. High expectations do often create conflict, but missing your meds doesn't help either.

I am always so scheduled when I take time off, that I forget what it is like to truly take time off. And do nothing. Nothing at all. Not even watch Oprah (not that I do, I would prefer to watch Ellen, but even that is scheduling!). Of course, I had to send the auto reply that says I will not be in, I will return your message upon my return, add greeting 2 to my voice mail (to the inventor of voice mail....I'm torn between cursing you to rot in hell, and blessing you for allowing me to ignore those internal calls that can only be from nasaly co-workers......), and hide all of the work that I did not get done, before I left. But other than the concert, Drs appt, meeting at my fake job (as opposed to my real one), pay car payment, buy juice box, sugar, athletic supporter, and meet a friend for lunch, I had nothing to do.

Ok, there was laundry.......but that really doesn't count because I have laundry every day. Remember, 4 kids, a husband and a Mom. And my own laundry, because you only throw a silk shirt in with the towels once before you learn the lesson that if its mom's don't touch it. But I can't remember the last time I did NOTHING.

Is that even possible? Isn't there always something to do or someplace to go? I swear that working is my free time. (Obviously, or I wouldn't have time to post!) I worked part time before and I know that I was busier then than I am now. How does that happen?

I don't have the answer. All I know is that I have a mountain of work in my inbasket, not to mention the stuff I hid, so I should get busy........I should......I will, after I catch up on all of my threatening e-mails.....

Floods!!!

2006-01-17T12:48:00.000-08:00

Scare me! I just was saying that Billy Grahams daughter was supposed to have said that September 11th happened because we no longer have prayer in school, and what does New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin say? That God sent hurricanes Katrina and Rita to destroy New Orleans because he was mad at America! Oh, and because we are at war in Iraq.

I'm starting to get a little concerned. I live on the edge of Nebraska and if God really is mad at me for not forwarding all of those e-mails, He could send a flood and like that! I could be living in (GASP!!!) IOWA!!!!!

Oh man! This is bad! We are doomed!

Threatening E-mails

2006-01-17T08:16:00.000-08:00

You know, I love to receive e-mails. Even if they are just forwarded from someone, with no special note to me attached, I'm ok with that. Its like receiving a card in the mail. There may not be a long letter with it, but it shows that the sender was thinking of you, and that makes me feel special!
What I don't care for are the threatening e-mails. You know the ones. They start off all sweetness and light, Jesus loves you, I love you, may God bless you and keep you...... Then at the bottom, is THAT line "send this to 10 people in 10 minutes, and something good will happen to you at 10:00......send to only 5 people and in 5 weeks something good will happen" or "send this to 10 people in 10 minutes and you will have good luck for 1 year. Don't send this and you will have bad luck...."

First off, I don't need to be reminded that I do not have 10 friends who will let me have there e-mail address. I mean, how unfair is that? Just go ahead and poke your finger in my face and point out to me that I am unpopular! THANKS!!

Secondly, does God's love really hinge on whether or not I forward an e-mail? How does he know? Is he really monitoring my e-mails? I think not! And if I'm not Catholic, do I automatically get condemned to hell, if I don't make a wish and say the blessing for Saint Somebody?

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely respect (everytime I spell that, I hear Aretha!) others beliefs. But to threaten me to spread the word of God, I just object! I received an e-mail a while ago that was supposedly quoting the Rev. Billy Grahams daughter, that said basically, because we no longer have prayer in public schools, or the Ten Commandments posted in a public park, that God allowed September 11th to happen as punishment for our wicked ways...... How can someone of faith suggest such a thing? And how could someone say that God is watching me to see if I forward an e-mail to determine which misfortunes will happen?

I believe in God. That he loves me no matter what, and just to prove it, I won't be pushed around and intimidated into forwarding threatening e-mails anymore. Its a shame really, because there are some nice sentiments in some of these e-mails. But I only know 4 people, and each of them sent the e-mails to me anyway, so....... nevermind........

The Final Option

2006-01-16T10:58:00.000-08:00

Have not posted in the past couple days as I was on Barf Patrol. (Not for the squeamish or faint of heart!) My baby has strep throat. He had a fever of 102.4, could not keep ANYTHING down, so I had to do what every good mother has to do....dunk them in a bathtub of tepid water while sending up a furious pray to the fever gods that this will be enough and that I won't have to go THERE....and all of you moms know where THERE is.

apparently I was not penitent enough, because after I got him out of the tub, he proceeded to throw up on me, and take his temp to the next level, 103.2.

We don't want to do it.

We know that it is for the best and that there is no other way.

As harsh as it sounds, we strip them down, have them assume the position, hope to God that they never tell an anyone, and administer......The butt rocket. It cruel and inhuman, not to mention how it makes the kid feel! It is humiliating for all involved. Oh, you tell yourself that everyone does it, and this is nothing. You are a caring parent. But you know its not true. You know in the deepest part of your soul that if your child were to tell anyone that you stuck anything up there butt, a child abuse file will be opened up so fast that you won't even have time to cover yours!

This is one of those times when it's a drag being a Mom.....

Titles!!!

2006-01-12T13:48:00.000-08:00

It pays to ask and waste time learning. I can now do titles. As I am the only reading this anyway, HIGH FIVE FOR ME! GOOD JOB! YOU GO GIRL!

Its the little sucesses everyday that just make you smile......

2006-01-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

Its odd the things one thinks of in the middle of the night. I must have woke up 10 times, turned over, looked at the clock, and thought,"Hey! That will be a great thing to put in my blog!.." or "Wow! I have an idea that just might interest others!..." and "Crap! I have to get up in 2 hours!" The last one not related to what I want to post here, but anyway....

This is like a new relationship. A new job. A new car. I'm very excited about this. This is now starting to consume me. I feel like such a krod! I'm the only one that will probably ever read these, but that's ok, because sometimes I crack myself up! For now, though, I have no expectation of funny so the pressure is off. So, instead, I will start off with a few more facts about myself.

I have three boys and one very long suffering girl.

My husband is not stupid. He is a husband, however, so as the title implies, he's just asking to be called names.

My Mother lives with us.

We have one bathroom.

I hate my job, and some of the people I work with. I do get paid quite a bit for what I do, so I suck it up! Monkeys could be trained to do this job, but shhhh! Don't tell management.

I am at a loss as to how to give this post a title, so for now, it will be one sentence.

I have been called a racist by one of our state senators just because of where I live.

I think that that is enough excitement for now. If this were a first date, you would fake an aneurysm, leave, change your phone number and move. Don't blame you. I have potential though. Hang in there.

A krod. Spell it backwards.......

2006-01-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

Ok. Here we go.

My daughter said I spend so much time reading and commenting on other blogs that I should have my own. The girl is brilliant!

So....... here I am. I'm blogging now.......

What is a blog?

As the title above leads one to believe, I am bitter and tired. (Clever, huh?). I have been married for 16 years and have 4 kids under 18 and one over 40. That statement pretty much sums it up as to why I am the way I am. I am not sure what is expected of me here, what more I need to do, which profile for me is better, the left or the right, or if this qualifies as unauthorized use of the internet in the workplace. What an adventure! Please be patient with me, not too harsh as I am sensitive, damn it! I'm also prone to hormonal rages....not really, but I'm trying to give myself some excuse, a crutch if you will, if no one ever reads this. Thank you for your kindness in advance........