Cheating On My Bicycle

I love riding my bike. It is a very solitary activity, and at the same time, its a great group activity. I have taken my 2 youngest on the bike trail right by my house. Its fairly flat, paved, long enough, and just right for a 12 and 10 year old. I have occasionally taken my oldest son on a bike trail that was created from an old railway line. He likes that one as it has side trails and he and his friends can disappear from me and I am not too concerned. This trail is quite a ways a way, and gas prices what they are, it seems silly to drive to a place to ride a bike. Better to stay closer to home.

Its very easy to talk myself out of riding, though. Its raining, it's cold, it's winding, it's late, it's too early...you get the idea. So I have a stationary bike. I can ride it, watch tv. Only problem is, is that I do 30 mile and I don't break a sweat. Yes, I'm moving, but its not making me fill like I've accomplished anything. So, I have a treadmill. Now this treadmill is not a compact little thing. Yes it can fold up, but it really is huge, bulky, heavy. There is only one place for it and that is facing a wall. A wall of grey paneling.

So I have to keep occupied. I listen to my ipod. That occupies me for maybe a song and a half. I need something else. So I read. YOU READ!! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT? Well, I'm not going to lie to you: I'm not doing a four minute mile on this treadmill. I maintain a pretty good clip, for me. I walk, no problem 3.5 mph. 4 mph, I have to hold on and can only do that for a shorter amount of time. But by reading and listening to the ipod, I don't realize how long I'm on the treadmill, or how fast or slow I'm going. My treadmill has a timer and goes up to 99 minutes. There have been several times that while walking and reading, the treadmill just stops, because I've reached the time limit. I don't even realize that I'm doing it. It great, the feeling of stepping off, folding the treadmill back up. I feel like some workout stud! Hey, the treadmill quit, not me. I also have noticed the inches ever so slightly melting away. I can definitely see it in my face, and feel it around my waist.

But there's my bike. Sitting in the garage. Not moving. Getting dusty. Dirty. Angry. You know Hell hath no fury like a Schwinn scorned. I fully expect to go out there and find a few spokes missing. Maybe a flat tire. It's already starting. My reflector on the handle bars, just fell off. Just sitting in the garage. Not moving. It just dropped off the front and laid face down in a puddle of old oil. The chain is looking a little rusty too. The chain guard was bent the last time (oh, and how long ago was that? Do you think you can ignore me, and just expect that I will be here, at your beck and call!?) I took it out. The other bikes have moved away from it in the garage. My sons bikes have the wheel turned away from mine, as if to say "Don't look at it, if you don't make eye contact it won't see you." It's shameful, really. It's a perfectly good bike, it gives me as great a work out as the treadmill, yet I seem to be only care about the digital read out, and the heart monitor, and its younger and hipper.....

Wait. Maybe I'm just projecting. Then again, maybe not.

I will ride this weekend, I promise. That is if it doesn't rain, or it's warm enough, and not too windy....

Ok

You know, sometimes I just hate it when I'm right.

I knew things would work out the way they did. Yes, I'm angry. And hurt. But mostly angry. At myself. I knew all along that the man that I love, yes, love, would break my heart. He got married almost a month ago. Didn't tell anyone, just left his hand out with a ring on it, hoping (silly man!) that an office full of women wouldn't notice. (Though I suspect, he did want us to). Then, when we do, he acts bothered that such a private thing, would need to be discussed, oh and by the way, they are expecting a son in June.


Nice.

I try to be gracious. You see, I'm not an ex. I'm a never was. I told him that I liked him, right here on this very blog (don't bother looking, already deleted), I said I would quit, he said don't, do you want to go with me on the bike trail? I was confused. Not sure what he was getting at, but after a couple of Thursday nights, I was encouraged to go on my own and take my kids. He was charming, still, but I knew. I tried to let it go. I did very well mostly, except for a few late night phone calls. ALRIGHT! Drunk Dialing! He was busy couldn't talk. I took the hint.

Then I was asked to buy some cards for several people in the office. I am a great card buyer. I volunteered for the job. There is nothing I like better then spending time at the Hallmark shop, laughing, wondering where they come up with this stuff! Stopping strangers from their own card shopping to "read this card!", which they agree is very funny, and then slowly and nervously start backing away. I don't care. I love to laugh. So I am asked to buy 2 graduation cards, a birthday card, and a wedding card.

All of these make sense. I know who all of these belong to. I start to walk away, and the manager stops me and says "Make it 2 wedding cards." I know. Right then. I ask, who for, but I know. She says she can't tell me as she was sworn to secrecy. I say not good enough, if she were really committed to that she wouldn't have asked for the other card. She refuses to say, I let it go. I already know.

I bought his card, the card that will tell him everyone in the office wishes him and his bride a "happy ever after." I try to comfort myself with the fact that he was careless, a coward, and that our office as a whole must mean nothing to him, as when he did announce it, it was at the tail end of an e-mail about computer issues saying that he didn't think that anyone would notice a little piece of metal, he feels rushed sometimes when he has to come in during the day, and he got married and is pregnant. It was as if he was hoping that no one would read the e-mail as generally, nobody does.

But I see the ribbon hanging from his mirror, and I know. No matter how he tries to down play it, he is happy.

And I am just acting as if......