Why I work
You know, as I was sitting at work last night at 8:30, eating pizza, I realized that I was very near to explaining to a co-worker the reasons I work. As I do not want to tarnish my image (which isn't a very good one), I shut up, left work and went home and looked at myself hard in the mirror. I know the surface reason is very easy. I need the money. But why? Why do I need to work to get more money? Because I have a lot of bills, including 2 credit cards, a line of credit, and a home equity loan, 2 car payments and a furniture store card. Why do I owe so much on these? Well, because I spend money. (The cars are essential, sort of, I guess we could take the bus, but for lugging kids and groceries, you can't beat it!) The home equity loan was to pay off the credit card bills, and it did. But I ran them up again. So the whole heart of my problem is the credit card bills. I work to pay off credit card debt.
So lets look at my credit card debt. Why do I owe so much? It starts out small, we all know it. "I'll just buy this now, and pay the balance off on the next statement." That's what we tell ourselves. But I find that I "buy" things all the time! Retail therapy. I will buy this to cheer me up. Why do I need to be cheered up? Because I'm missing something. What am I missing? That is really at the heart of this. What am I missing that I feel that I have to buy thing to replace it? Not food, I get plenty of that! (whole nother blog!). Sleep? I don't get enough of that, but as I haven't bought a new bed in 15 years, its probably not at the core of my problem. I used to think it was because I felt that my husband was ignoring me, and that if I bought these things to make me appear more attractive, he would pay more attention to me. Well, maybe that is the reason, but it didn't work. My husband works 2 jobs as well and when he doesn't work, he sleeps. So no matter how attractive I try to be, I'm not meeting my goal. To be honest, I don't think it matters to me anymore whether I am attracting him or not. When we do talk we are at that stage of the mundane. When we go out, we talk about the kids, home repairs, briefly about work, and then we just look at each other. He couldn't tell you one thing that I am interested in, or couldn't I tell you anything about him. We are comfortable being acquaintances.
Maybe that is the problem. My identity is wrapped up in who I am to other people, not who I am. I am subconsciously trying to reassert who I am by buying things, rather than being who I need to be. Wow. Absorb that. That's kind of deep for me this early in the morning.
Or it could just be that I like to spend money.
Would that really be so bad?
So lets look at my credit card debt. Why do I owe so much? It starts out small, we all know it. "I'll just buy this now, and pay the balance off on the next statement." That's what we tell ourselves. But I find that I "buy" things all the time! Retail therapy. I will buy this to cheer me up. Why do I need to be cheered up? Because I'm missing something. What am I missing? That is really at the heart of this. What am I missing that I feel that I have to buy thing to replace it? Not food, I get plenty of that! (whole nother blog!). Sleep? I don't get enough of that, but as I haven't bought a new bed in 15 years, its probably not at the core of my problem. I used to think it was because I felt that my husband was ignoring me, and that if I bought these things to make me appear more attractive, he would pay more attention to me. Well, maybe that is the reason, but it didn't work. My husband works 2 jobs as well and when he doesn't work, he sleeps. So no matter how attractive I try to be, I'm not meeting my goal. To be honest, I don't think it matters to me anymore whether I am attracting him or not. When we do talk we are at that stage of the mundane. When we go out, we talk about the kids, home repairs, briefly about work, and then we just look at each other. He couldn't tell you one thing that I am interested in, or couldn't I tell you anything about him. We are comfortable being acquaintances.
Maybe that is the problem. My identity is wrapped up in who I am to other people, not who I am. I am subconsciously trying to reassert who I am by buying things, rather than being who I need to be. Wow. Absorb that. That's kind of deep for me this early in the morning.
Or it could just be that I like to spend money.
Would that really be so bad?
posted by Momcani at 6:48 AM
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